war of the sock

I love a little competitive spirit. I'm such a five year old at heart that just hearing "Wanna race?" makes me very excited. And cocky. I might not win, but I'll go down with attitude. And maybe trip you in the effort. What? It was an accident, I swear.

So it makes sense that Sock Wars has my undivided attention in a sick, perverted Pavlovian way. True, I just got my first actual sock off the needles THIS WEEK (not even the entire pair mind you), so while I might not have mad skilz, my heart and energy should be enough to at least kill my first target.

I'm not so brave, however, as to attempt the insanity going on over here. Ya'll. Is. Crazy. I'm cheering for all the contenders, and placing my bet. I'm on pins and needles, checking blogs for updates like the blog-stalker I am. Ya'll know.

And on a totally unrelated note: I love Entourage right now and I secretly wish that somewhere there's a Ramones movie in production. And I'm sad that this Sunday is the final episode for a while. Jeremy Piven absolutely steals the show, so I might have to watch reruns to get my fix. And Deadwood will be ending Sunday as well. Crap. I was just starting to get into the dialogue cadence and figure out what the hell is going on. I have to watch in captions just to keep up. My favorite interchange is this: Hearst says: Mornin' Dan replies: Best time of the day to go fuck yourself. Still cracks me up.

Knitch, natch

This Saturday, Lisa and I went to the new yarn store, Knitch in Virginia Highlands. This is their very cool metal sculpture bird just outside the door. I love that he's knitting (natch).



The store is gorgeous and the ladies who run it are very friendly and helpful. We spent probably two hours there and shared some good laughs with the owners. There was also much yarn fondling and a mad case of the drools.



Also, for a brand spankin' new yarn shop, there were LOTS of folks just hanging out and knitting. Must. Go. Back.

I really love this stuff, some yarn from Be Good (whose website I can't find, though I'm sure it exists).


My scarf pal digs these pink/orange combos and I almost bought some, but I think I found what I want to make for her in the Recycled Sari Silk area. Still futzing around with patterns and designs, so nothing to show yet. Fawn over the yarn that could have been instead. For now.


This is Rockstar from Tilli Thomas. I *did* buy the silver with the clear glass beads. It's better than sex. And it's mine all mine. I may not even knit it up. It deserves lots of petting and its own special place by my pillow. I'm just sayin.



And they had some skeins from Material Whirled that were just stunning (i was too awed to take pics). I really love Almost Innocent (ha!) and the Skull Skeins. If I were knitting for Amanda, I'd buy Flippin' Monkeys in a second.

In related fiber news, Nate and I are working out the details and debating on attending Rhinebeck or SAFF in Asheville. Both are in October, on consecutive weekends and it would really be cool if we could hit both, but alas, lack of money prevents it. If we went to Rhinebeck, we'd spend a few days in Boston, and maybe NYC (not sure I can stomach the NYC twice in one year) then the weekend in Rhinebeck. If we go to Asheville, it would just be for the weekend. But a gorgeous fall weekend with red/yellow/orange leaves and beautiful mountains! Not that Rhinebeck won't be pretty, but it would definitely be more expensive. Guess which way I'm leaning.

Oh! And I *can* make socks! I finally got the nerve (read: patience) to sit down and figure out kitchener stitch to close the toe. Took me a few tries, cause I kept looking at my work and thinking, "good lord, that's got to be the most retarded toe I've ever seen...it can't be right". But it was. And it's a perfectly functional toe and maybe the most beautiful ever.





Do pardon the hairy leg. I was so excited that I didn't even bother to shave for my closeup.

bring me (back) to life

please?

i'm exhausted (and boring it would seem). so tired that i'm taking naps at lunch, and usually sleeping over my hour break. even our friend pete (who i can barely find time to chat with, even via gmail, and even then if i'm not totally slammed at work and *then* if the retardation that is our dsl connection is working - seriously it's like working in a third world country sometimes) asks the other day "where is the happy no-stressy mel? i miss her'. and all i could reply is 'i dunno, but if you see her, send her this way'.

i think i might have a day off this week. sunday. then it all starts over again with a stupid monday. but at least i've become aware of what day it is. baby steps toward my eventual return to normalcy.

work is nuts, though slowly calming. students are back in town. chaos ensues. sec college football starts in two weeks, and while i dont just adore the extra 80k people in town when all i really want to do is get some groceries, the games are fun to watch on tv as long as there are good friends and good beer nearby. i've only stepped into our football stadium twice in my life, and i'll never go back. thanks to beer spillages and random grabbings of my ass, it's football on tv from here on out for me. keep your frat boy mitts to yourself, thank you very much.

also, i've managed to fend off the work drama queens with laughter. they tell me their drama stories of the frat house or the gay boys and i just laugh and keep my own stories to myself. otherwise my policy is 'check your drama at the door'. cause i only have room for my own semi-dramas (like my trainer not showing up this morning...grr...but still, not even real drama just irritation), and even the things that try to manifest as realish drama are getting a laugh from me. whatever. i just don't have the time, patience or brain capacity to be bothered.

all my extra energy (extra?!? lol) is going toward figuring out what i'm going to do for the scarf swap. i have some fun ideas, though nothing concrete and i desperately want to go yarn shopping. But despite spending all my waking hours at work, i'm magically broke as fuck. i dunno where the money is going, but i hope it's having a good time without me.

FSS info

Last week I joined the Funky Scarf Swap in an attempt to broaden my knitting horizons and try something I might not ordinarily spring for. Like a wild yarn or designing an interesting pattern. I have some fun ideas, so we'll see what comes of it all. In the meantime, here are my answers to the questionnaire:

Are you allergic to any fibers?

Probably wool, but I wear it anyway. Mohair for sure. The fuzz gets in my eyes, and that takes all the fun out of it.

Do you prefer any fibers over others?

Not really, though I'll always go with soft over scratchy. And I'll NEVER say no to cashmere. I don't really do acrylic or furry things.

Thinking back to Scout’s post about what funky means to you, post an image of something that you think is funky!

I like Gwen Stefani's style. Girl can get away with just about anything, and makes it look good even when pregnant. It's all about attitude and putting the right things together, then throwing in something unexpected.

Would you prefer funky yarn or a funky pattern?

Either, or both! I'm not picky, and I'm going to love and drool over whatever comes my way.

What are your favorite colors?

Blues, teals, pinks and purples. Oh, and red! Hmm, I like earth tones too, so add browns, deep greens, grays...ok, ok there's not much I *don't* like!

What is your favorite piece of art?

I love art that makes me feel calm, usually landscape paintings with blues, greens and yellows. I also like art that makes me think and feel (Dali, Picasso, Pollack).

What colors would you never have up close to your pretty face?

Yellow and orange. I can get away with yellow as long as it's not the *only* color involved.

Would you prefer an actual scarf or a cowl?

A scarf. But I won't cry if I get a cowl. I just don't like the word. Don't much care for the word 'ointment' either, but that's not really relevant.

When you wear a scarf do you prefer a wider/shorter scarf or a thin/long scarf?

Medium to longer lengths. I like them to wrap around my neck at least once, usually twice.

What is the climate like where you live?

Hot in the summer, 20s and 30s in the winter. I plan to wear lots of scarves this winter, because I'm very cold natured, and also because I like them.

Would you prefer a functional scarf (to keep you warm) or one just to funk-up your wardrobe?

Oh please funk me! I wear relatively conservative clothes at work (think business casual) and the usual jeans/tshirt when going out (fuck party clothes and heels, blech). But I'm very liberal minded even if I don't usually dress the part like many do where I live. I'm a 'comfort above all things' kinda girl and could probably use some spicing up!

What else would you like your partner to know about you?

I love love love to be surprised. And I'll love anything you make. I'd also really dig your own original work way more than a pattern, but obviously, I leave the choice to you. I'm easy to please, so don't stress over it, just have fun!

And now, back to sleep with me. I am le tired.

just realized it's thursday

Holy gods, where did this week go? And praise be to me that it's almost over. I've been told today that my normal (ha. normal.) life may resume in 2 to 3 weeks. Woot.

I forgot my pic of the sweater the other day, so I give you now the beginnings of le raglan sweater pour moi. And coming soon to a stitch holder near me...sleeves! I can hardly wait! I really really really love this teal color. I shall be ever so sexah. And a little slouchy. That's how I do.



(Random books on table are: cookbook by Giada from Food Network (yum), An Inconvenient Truth, and some guitar book. About 5 knitting books live on the other side of the table. Guess where I spend a lot of time when not working my ass off?)

Yesterday was "Bring My Dogs To Work Day" cause the maintenance guy was doing some work in my apartment. And also cause I can. Taylor (aka Pooh...all dogs are poohs to me, but he gets the capital P), graciously modeled my completed scarf.



Isn't he so very GQ?

Ellie hid behind my chair and refused to acknowledge anyone, including me most of the time.



Also notice the ever-present bottle of DDP. It's my crack ya'll.

After work, I joined Karen, Jenna, and Brooke at Hot Corner and we taught Brooke how to knit. I should have taken a camera cause we were cute as hell. We put on our redneck southern accents (not to be confused with our come-hither southern drawls), and stared down anyone who dared look at us sideways, while also fugging every poor soul who walked in the door. I guess that makes us catty white trash poseurs. Whatev. We laughed a lot, which is all that matters.

When I got home, I got out of the car and promptly walked into the biggest spider web in the history of the world and thereby lost my shit in the parking lot. If anyone had seen the altercation, they'd have had me arrested for insane behavior and potentially indecent exposure. Crazy girl screaming, running in circles, and maybe getting a little naked. Normal bugs I can handle. Spiders not so much. I immediately went in and took a shower, as the thought of sleeping with spider spit all over me was too much to bear. And also the notion that maybe the spider is in my hair.

I'm still a little freaked. Never did find the damn spider.

quickish update

i dont really do quick (unless you count the occasional quicky). but i do lists well, so we'll go with that.

1. work blows. and sucks. it has the inate ability to do both at once. but i'm *home* so i'm not really complaining, i swear. just tired of working 7 days a week and being completely stressed out about the amount of work to be done, that even in our haste we may have a difficult time accomplishing. what day is it again?

2. knitting is good. so called scarf is finished but i don't feel like having anyone take a pic of me modeling the damned thing (it's hot, the scarf is wool, my give-a-shit factor is nil), so i may throw it at unwitting victims and snap quickly so as to get a shot of it. i've cast on for a top-down raglan sweater using this site (and not jemima, though i can't say why other than i just don't love it like i used to) cause i'm ready to knit something new and make my brain do more creative tasks than data entry and conflict management. also, no one gets knitted gifts for christmas this year. i'm enjoying making stuff for me a bit too much to be diverted.

3. i heart the dog whisperer. he is my new hero and i think i might love him. i wish he'd come to my house and help me deal with my shy little beagle. she's adorable and sweet, but she's afraid of everything. it makes me sad. cesar, come.

4. my dryer died. i have to get a new one. and oooooh the pretty options. can't spend a grand on a stupid dryer though.

5. i wish i had time to work out. i miss cycling and i'm mushy. bleh. still don't miss gaming though. but my kick ass monitor misses me and is getting dusty. maybe i'll pick up a nancy drew murder mystery game for old times sake. or hello kitty. ooooh kitty.

have a great week! or weekend! i really don't have a clue what day it is and i'm afraid to ask. so happy whatever.

such a dork

I visit this site every single day. When I have a break from working like mad. Or at least attempting to work while fielding stupid questions and neverending phone calls. It keeps me smart. Or at least intrigued.

I also frequently read this blog, which may be the exact polar opposite. He makes me laugh so hard that diet cokes comes out my nose. My dearest friend Pete is the only other human to accomplish this. Astounding, eh?

so, anyways...

I promised there would be knitting, and there is.

I give you exhibit A:



I found this chart for argyle (aarrrrgyle!) socks, and I had to see if I could figure out intarsia enough to make a pair for myself (why yes, I can as a matter of fact). And any other person in my life who laughed out loud upon viewing that chart. Laughing in a "haha! I must have those!" sort of way, not a "haha, but ok that's extraordinarily lame" way. It's ridiculously oversized because I grabbed some cotton Peaches n Cream from my MDK dishcloth stash and tried out the chart and the technique on a grander scale. I did not have the suggested red and gray accent colors, so I went with the pink and green from said stash for a bit of a punk pirate effect. My jolly roger digs the Misfits. Rawr. I mean arrrr. (Blame Johnny Depp, he really is forcing my hand here.)

Exhibit B is my So Called Scarf, with the pretty plum yarn and is almost completed. The wool is kind of scratchy, so I find myself knitting a few rows and then switching to something else. That or I'm tired of it already. Or lazy. Those excuses are not mutually exclusive of course.

Exhibit C is...well...hmm. I'm working on Sizzle, sort of. I cast on the first time, worked a few rows and then measured it. Not wide enough. No matter how many times I swatched and thought I got gauge, I really didn't. Also, my body is shaped differently than the pattern's author (shorter torso, wider hips), and I'd rather knit it in the round anyway. So I measured myself where I want the bottom to hit, reswatched for gauge, did the math (bleh), and cast on the right amount of stitches. I've knit a few rows since then. I think I have Post Math Stress Syndrome or something. I just can't bear to pick it up again. I know it's only a little addition and a touch of multiplication, and I *have* a calculator for god's sake, but something about it stresses me out. Pics eventually, should I somehow find time to knit more, and stop working 6 days a week (not likely anytime soon).

On a completely unrelated topic: I've run into the exhubby TWICE now. Clearly he doesn't understand the whole "this is my side of town, and that's your side" philsophy. Or we still have a few random things in common. Like driving. And eating.

attack of verbosity

Here I sit. Again. Thinking about posting, cause wow there's a LOT of crap in my head that really wants to come out, but as ever, I've censored it. Some of it is lame, stupid, ridiculous, boring, or really only relevant to me and my inner workings, and seriously that stuff doesn't need to be batted around with anyone but my hubby or my extremely tolerant therapist. Yes I have one. I don't call her as often as I should, but she practically works miracles, so I don't *have* to call very often. Anymore. And I haven't actually been to see her in years. Which is a blessing because she's mega expensive. (I'd put your money on some psychological bantering anyway, cause this here blahg is free.)

Anyway, desperately fighting the urge to edit myself, and as the well-trained journalism major and all-around 'way too fucking nice for my own good' type of person, it comes with a great deal of difficulty and a hell of a lot of "no, no, no, don't delete that. damn it, type it again" brain activity. And I'm 'uncensoring' because I realize that lately I haven't had much to say. The posts have been long, but I haven't really *said* anything. I'm way too 'in my head' and I should really just say whatever I want and not give a damn what anyone else thinks about me. Cause it doesn't really matter, and I don't have the time or energy to care.

Also, if you came in search of knitting activity, there is some, but we're not going to be visiting it today. Click a link to the right if pretty stitches call your name. Otherwise, carry on. Or don't. Your choice here doesn't affect me in any way, and therefore doesn't matter to me. And this may or may not get very bizarre and stream-of-conciousness like (more than usual). If you can't keep up, pay better attention.

I've been through and put myself through a lot of shit in the last year. Depression. Anxiety attacks. Insomnia. Gaming addiction. Knitting therapy. Real therapy. Lies. Bullshit. False friends. The list goes on, but those are the high (well, low) points. And yes, a real full fledged gaming addiction. I know, how lame of me. When I got sick of it (and the liars and their bullshit along with it...you know who you are), I found a way to break myself and I did. I don't even think about it anymore, which is a very nice change. And that was a huge step for me. I used to game every single day for hours, as long as I could stand it, until I could barely keep my eyes open. Not really the way I want to remember my life. So much more important things to accomplish. Like figuring out argyle socks. And maybe someday having kids and trying to not be a complete fuck up as a parent.

I used to have a very long list of the shit I would tolerate for the sake of 'understanding' someone or really just in an effort to see/believe the best in people and help them see it in themselves. Now that list is very very very very short. Did I mention very short? Very. I've decided that it's not my job anymore, a self-appointed task mind you, to try to help other people be better versions of themselves. I can't make that happen. Especially when they don't want it. I can only do that for myself. But I do point out to folks when they're being rude disrespectful assholes. A simple"you're being an asshole" works well in certain cases. But sometimes shutting them out and walking away is the best choice. It has a way of saying "you sorry piece of shit" that words just don't express clearly enough. Even a solid "fuck you" is often just met with "surely you're joking", especially when you're normally a very nice and tolerant person, and then you have to go through the long explanation of just how *not* joking you are, and really, my breath, thoughts, and manual dexterity are clearly more valuable.

I'm the type of person who is constantly (ad nauseum even) evaluating and assessing the person I am and want to be, and many times it's a rocky road to tread, leading to indecision and frustration and often chocolate. Sometimes it takes me a while to see the err of my ways, even with the verbal beatings about the head from my friends, but eventually I see where I'm making stupid mistakes and correct them (reference the gaming and the bullshit here). I'm usually a lot quicker than I can even comprehend. Cause I'm smart and junk. Except when I'm not.

And part of me doesn't want other people to know what goes on in my head. My brain spins so fast that I can't even express, much less type, all the other things I've been pondering in the last 30 minutes. But this is *my* blog and I can say whatever I want (it's my party too, so neener). Part of the last few weeks has been spent in self protection mode, only talking to my closest friends, family, and any other people I'm forced to interact with through my job or the places I frequent. It has served me well and helped me heal and develop thicker skin and a more logical attitude, but I can't stay there forever. If I get too comfortable, I might never want to come out again.

So I carry on. I consider all the things I want to do. I make a plan and go accomplish those things. I live and breathe and function as a (hopefully) better person. I keep learning from my mistakes, making adjustments and new decisions, then rebounding from them. I deal with the issues that make me want to hide in dark places or just leave this world entirely. (Don't call me all freaked out, ya'll know I'm way too fucking feisty to be a statistic.)

And now, maybe I'll also open up. Really open up. Cause I have a lot to say that never gets said. And I have a place to put all those things. And I'm tough enough to deal with anyone who gives me shit about it. (That includes you, Ethridge.)

Thus concludes this session of verbal diarrhoea. Oh, my cell number has changed. Should my services be required, send your mail to the addy on my profile.

You may go now.

zen

It's nice to be blogging again. Even having the thought of 'hmm, that would be fun to share' is refreshing.

During my little break I did a lot of things. For starters, I mostly got my food intake back on track. One of the major things we missed about Athens is the variety of food available, and during those first few weeks we made sure to hit every taco/thai/cuban/indian/ice cream joint we had been jonesing for. Now I'm not eating out nearly as much, and I'm making better choices when I do splurge.

This is my 'back to normal' breakfast. Y.U.M. Fat free cottage cheese, organic strawberries, raspberries and blueberries, and some low fat granola. Mmmmmm. Also makes a good snack. Or dessert. I could eat this multiple times daily.



(On a side note, I'm kinda weird in that I don't really care for matching dishes, so this is the only bowl that i have in this pattern. It makes me very happy in a deep down tingly sort of way. Most of my dishes are asian themed and all but this one have blue in them somewhere. I'm a nut, and I'm ok with that.)

I've been knitting also, obviously. I finished Shedir #2 yesterday. I love this hat so much. And the yarn, Elsbeth Lavold's Silky Wool, is a total joy to work with. In fact, I have a skein of it in black, so I may cast on another one and give this one as a gift. I'll have to think about who it might fit though. I have a tiny head, and very fine hair. On someone else it may look like a beanie. Eww.



As a house warming gift, my mom gave me a small rosemary bush and a pot of African violets. I guess she figured I'd find a way to make them grow. She probably didn't count on the cats eating them first. The second day I had the plants, I took them outside because for my kitties, violets are a delicacy and rosemary is very close to catnip.

Simply having something to grow and a porch to put pretty green things on made me run out to find seeds and cutie little pots. I got two kinds of basil (sweet on the left, and lemon on the right) and I'm going to have to divide and replant both of those very soon. I had no idea how fast they would grow, and from what I've seen at the grocery store, they get MUCH bigger.



I also got cilantro and repotted the rosemary. I'm thinking these will need bigger pots too eventually.



The cats devoured the first set of violets while I wasn't looking, but luckily they seem to like the outdoors (maybe not the hundred degree heat so much) and have found new life. I have about four little stalks of buds like this one.



So precious and promising (and purple! yay purple!). Also, I can make things grow! And sort of come back from the dead! I'm totally a genius.

Last but most certainly not least, I've been taking a few steps toward a new career (to be revealed later), and I'm considering applying to grad school. I have much to read about, learn, and muddle over. I love researching and immersing myself in something I really care about, and it's going to be hard, yet fun.

Just how I like it.

god save the queen

I've officially retained my title as the Queen of ADR (that's additional dialogue recording, for you non film geeks), as given by E, and proven once again this Saturday as we wrapped up some voice work in his basement for a few scenes from wowgirl where audio magically disappeared, got distorted or just plain sucked. (More on the movie as I have some time this week to write. Ha. Whenever that is.)

I totally rock at being able to recreate cadence, intonation and speed of my lines from when they were filmed, and recording them back to match my lip movement on screen so they sound crystal clear and sometimes better enunciated. I usually get it in one take. (Hence my royalty status.) Which leaves lots of time for karaoke, goofing off and the requisite "aaaaaannnnndddd ttttthhhhhheeeeeeennnnnn?". I also got to do a little acting direction with Nate, i.e. "say it like... less depressy and more reflectivish". Yup, I are a good acting coach.

E said, as we were doing some of the final scenes, that he didn't really like how my character got treated at the end. Short changed even. Not exactly as dynamic as she should have been written. Though we can't exactly go reshoot any of it, maybe we altered the perception of her with different vocalizations. Which is very exciting to me. She was a lot of fun to play, but I had similar feelings while we were shooting.

Doing the ADR work really makes me miss acting. It's such a great outlet for me, and requires so much of my heart, yet makes me feel so alive and energized. Heartbreaking, soul destroying emotional vomiting. And I usually giggle through the tears when I'm done. Or say something like "good god that hurt. wanna do it again?".

Our local theater has already cast the next play, with Karen as the evil Antonia in a musical version of The Tempest. So maybe I'll audition for whatever is next.

And I'm out of energy. Spinning** is my abusive lover, and she has taught me the meaning of pain this week. She's also reminded me of my competitive side, and with instructors who make each class like a real road race, I'm so totally addicted. I must sleep so I can face her again at 5 a.m.


that. is. all.



** this kind of spinning, not this kind.

it's the end of the world as we know it

...and i feel awesome.

shiny happy. orange crushy. hairshirt-esque.

i am the everything.

and i’ve probably been listening to too much rem.

and afi (miss murder is my new fav song), evanescence (amy lee knows just how to crush my soul, and i let her willingly), dixie chicks (i’m not ready to make nice either!), and system of a down (totally in love, again). semi-schizophrenic musical choices, and that’s how I like it.

sadly my office is hung up on some radio station that shall not be named. if i have to hear ‘stairway’ or ‘layla’ one more time (really, three times a day is more than enough), i might choke the next person who walks past me singing either song in absolute mockery of my suffering. that specific coworker (who also shall not be named, but let’s call him "j" just for fun) might be significantly taller and denser than myself, but i think if properly motivated i could manage a good few seconds of airway blockage via my hands around his neck before he casts me off like the wild little animal i will have become under such duress. ahem.

otherwise, things are steady as she goes, lovely, and perfect. i’ve spent the last few weeks working out, hanging out, reading, knitting, and making a few personal decisions and changes. i’ve lost interest in some things and gained newfound love for others. i forced myself to step away from some activities that were sucking the life from me, and frankly, i like the new direction i’ve chosen. i may have a friend or two who disagrees with the changes, but it’s hardly their choice to make, and if they can’t support my efforts to do what’s right for me, they can’t really call themselves my friend. miserable hating-my-life me would have been devastated and willing to do anything to keep said friendship. more normal, happier and balanced me says ‘how sad for you guys...see ya around’.

what a difference a change of perspective makes.

oh. knitting stuff. yeah.

i finished the honeymoon cami. better pictures soon and notes on the changes i made. i ventured into uncharted territory and did a rework on the back to make it a halter instead of a tank. it required math and logic (dear gods) but worked quite nicely.



also working on the so-called scarf when life gets dullish.




and the shedir hat. i'm so slow on this one, but i really have to be in the right mental place for these rounds of cables. (irritated is not one of those places. i'm just sayin.)




and swatching bits of my stash like a mad person for jemima and sizzle.

jemima is getting the debbie bliss cotton angora for certain (yum). teal for the main color, and light blue for the accent parts and button bands.




the verdict on yarn for sizzle is still out. i have a lot of gorgeous yarns that might work, so plenty of excellent potential. there's just the tiny issue of gauge. as ever. i've swatched some knitpicks shine, elann's lara (discontinued i think, but i'm definitely not getting gauge so it's irrelevant), and southwest trading company's Bamboo.




i want the sizzle top to be kind of shiny so i *really* want to use the bamboo, which still looks gorgeous after swatching and washing. well then...i guess i've decided haven't i? despite my misgivings and ignoring all instinct about this yarn (it's slightly scratchy and my stitches look odd to me for some reason), i'm casting on. and there's nothing you can do to stop me. so there.

god i'm stubborn.

in retrospect...

It’s nice to have a job that is fun, and I’m actually in charge of people and stuff, and not just a chick with a title and no power whatsoever. It’s relaxing to not be micromanaged to the point of total inefficiency. It’s liberating to be given responsibility and then trusted to follow through with it at your own pace, in your own way.

My previous employer, while a great man, was an extreme micromanager and a ‘my way or the highway’ kind of guy. Thus is the influence of the military, I suppose. To say I don’t thrive in that sort of atmosphere would be an understatement. If you weren’t able to predict and anticipate what he needed at any given moment, well, you wouldn’t last very long. Luckily I’m a mind reader. Ok that’s a lie. But I am funny and engaging, and I guess that’s what actually paid my bills, cause I screwed up a lot.

Most of that lead to a certain amount of fear and uncertainty for me, and coupled with the genuine distaste for the town we were in and the attitudes embraced by many of the folks there, you could conclude that I was pretty unhappy. That pronounced and very present sense of instability really took its toll on the way I thought, felt and acted. I felt fear, helplessness, anger, frustration, desperation, and often all those things at once. I constantly looked outside myself for what I thought I needed. Turns out I didn’t need anything I sought after. I just needed to be reminded of who I am.

And being back here reminds me thoroughly, forcefully, plentifully, and beautifully. It’s taken a few weeks, but I realized today that I’m not just back at home. I am back. Me. That hopelessness and desperation made me say and think (and probably do) crazy things. I grasped hold of just about anything I felt like I could have some control over (knitting, working out, gaming, etc), only to watch whatever I thought I had hold on crumble time after time (definition of insanity much?). Which only compounded my need to have something, someone that made me feel safe.

You’d think that my husband would have been the logical choice, but he was going through the same thing and we could hardly comfort ourselves, much less each other. A lesser marriage could have gotten very, very ugly. Thankfully, we’re both smart and we don’t do stupid things to hurt each other when we’re down (or ever actually). And we tell each other literally everything, and god, good communication is really the key to what makes us work so well. I’m really so lucky to have found such an incredible guy.

Thanks so much to all my friends who tried to help while I was in crazy/unhappy/paranoid/thinking-in-circles mode. I know I probably said some stupid shit. Thanks for loving me anyway. And for constantly trying to remind me of who I am (I mean Karen, Pete, and Joey specifically here…I love you guys).

dazed and confused

Dazed from being sick (yes again) and the intake of drugs that are *supposed* to make me feel somewhat normal, only to actually make me feel like a crazy person. Well, moreso than usual. I can do crazy just fine all by my self, thank you very much DayQuil. Confused because feeling completely out of it will do that to a girl. There was a lot of "where are we going again?" and "ok, now WHY are we doing this?". Ya'll know.

Thankfully I have a sweet hubby who kicks ass and makes a killer soup and takes me to the ER when I need a doctor on a Saturday afternoon. He'll be 30.5 on Friday, so Karen and I are throwing him a party. Shhh, it's a surprise. Did I mention that I absolutely and completely suck at surprises? Really. I do. It's sad.

The lovely Karen also seems to think I'm a super hero of sorts. Let's try and keep my true identity a little better hidden shall we, love? Damn. There I go, sucking at surprises again. Ah well.

Be forewarned that I come armed with turkey sandwiches and yarn.

Fear me.

ugh

i may have just perished.

i can be found under the squat rack at my trainer's feet, somewhere inside a quivering pool of goo.

please come get me.

Beaucoup d'insanity

Ok, so we're *mostly* settled.

By mostly I mean I can find some of my bras, a few utensils and there is some food in the fridge which may or may not be consumed. There are still boxes everywhere. Most of which contain stuff to remain boxed until we move again and actually have space to unpack some things. Maybe this weekend I'll work on reboxing and moving junk. So I tell myself.

In the interim, I'm working on knitting a few items, because what better way to procrastinate right? And I have start-itis and there are so many things I want to work on, so I started them all. Ha knitting goddesses, take that.

First are a few washcloths from Mason Dixon Knitting. These are shamefully addictive, and I have almost a full metric ton of Sugar & Cream cotton to make a LOT more.


Honeymoon Cami, pre-bust increases and shaping. Pray to your local diety that it fits, or there will be cursing and hexing and laying upon of poxes. Yes you heard me. Poxes!


Another Shedir hat, this one for myself. I've tried in all my most beguiling of ways to get pictures of the gorgeous brown Shedir I made for Stacy in NYC, but she is a bit too computer illiterate to get them off her camera. I was a bit too stunned by the technology of my own camera to figure out how to get a good shot.


Baby Kimono (also from Mason Dixon Knitting). Not that I have anyone to give it to yet, but I'm sure someone will come along.


(I might be in a cream/white groove lately, no?)

And yummy plum colored yarn for another So Called Scarf, yet another gem I made as a gift and didn't want to give away. Tristan grows tired of all the knitting pictures and demands more kittie love.


Oh yeah! This new object of my affection is called Ellie. She's a four year old Beagle we rescued on Sunday. She likes to snuggle and hug, and generally be next to us. Once the cats get used to her, some semblance of sanity will be restored. Maybe. She and Tristan are the same size, so the actual degree of sanity is still up for debate.

I heart Athens

Moving this time around was as pleasant as it could possibly be. It's almost as if Athens is saying "welcome home bitches, i knew you'd be back, also here is some perfect weather so get cozy and junk, and hit the pool cause jeez you need a tan".

I'm ready to start the house hunt though because this apartment is tiny and not well laid out for people other than college kids who argue over stupid shit like who's going to pay their third of the cable bill and omg move your laundry and holy damn did your nasty ass boyfriend really eat my Fruity Pebbles?! Not that I have anything against college kids in general, only a few specific ones. Who happen to live upstairs. And the walls are thin.

Regardless, I'm so glad to be back. I've hit almost all of my favorite lunch spots and the requisite coffee joints.

I've done a little knitting, a little settling in, and a lot of shopping. Pictures of stuff later, when I find my camera.

I am tired.

just in time

Today is the first day of hurricane season. And we are moving in two days. Far far away from the coast.

Surely there is no way a hurricane can form and slam into south Georgia in the last days of my existence here. I think. However, I'm pretty sure I know my luck on these things, so I'm warding with the apartment with little voodoo candles and doing the "stay the fuck away from me you mean ugly hurricane" dance anyway. (Granted, Brunswick hasn't had a major hurricane since 1893, but like UGA football fans across the state utter every freaking August, "this could be the year!". Geeks. Ahem.)

Dubious Wonder knows how to have a good time during the season, and for that we lift a glass of Hurricane Punch to her.

I am looking forward to watching something *other* than the Weather Channel over the summer. Like Supergroup. Thanks for your show review Miss K. I love it, but not to the point of obsession. Yet. And wtf is up with Sebastian? I had a *major* rockstar crush on him for the longest time, now all I can think is....ewwww. But Scott Ian and Jason Bonham can come home to me any time. Evan Seinfeld...gross. Ted Nugent...take away the guitar hero status and you have my dad. Double gross with a sprinkling of ewwww on top.

I've been amused today by:

1. my recent conversation with Etheridge where we spoke using Elvis song titles:

E: "You Can't Say No In Acapulco"
me: but i can "In The Ghetto"
E: "I wonder, I wonder, I wonder"
me: well, "(there's) No Room to Rhumba in a Sports Car"
E: "I Really Don't Want To Know"
me: I prefer "Paradise, Hawaiian Style"

We went on for quite a while. Clearly we do not have enough to do at our respective jobs.

2. White Zombie's "More Human Than Human". One of my all-time favorite songs.

3. Secret Wars Reinactment. Consider yourself geeked.

Not the alpha dog

Since Nate started his job this week, I've been fending for myself for a few days, and I'll be alone all next week too, drowning in a sea of boxes. For those of you who have my number, feel free to prank call me for laughs. I am bored and must be entertained.

While I would normally relish the alone time, I'm shocked at how quiet the apartment can be even with me and 5 animals in it. I've had lots of time to look around, do some thinking, knit some little things, watch tv, and do the occasional bit of packing. I average about two boxes before I say to myself, "whew! there, I packed today" and call it quits.

Some things I've discovered about myself are a little shocking too. Like my complete inability to feed myself. Since I have such an awesome cook around all the time, I usually get a nice dinner made for me. When left to my own devices I rely on frozen waffles, atomic fireballs, and beer. When did this happen to me? I used to call myself independent! I needed no man to feed me!
Now I can't even bother to open a lousy can of soup? What the hell is going on? Either extreme laziness or a ridiculous level of "spoiled absolutely rotten".

And also, my dog is no longer my own. He was a birthday gift from my ex-husband before we got married (never a good idea, by the way. dogs as gifts. just don't.) and I have always been the alpha dog because I trained him and took care of him, and well, because I was cool like that.

But somehow, the power has shifted. Nate is now the alpha dog. And in his absence, I can't even get the damn dog to sit so I can put his leash on him. "Hello! McFly! I am the mom here, I am the alpha dog, and you will do what I say!" And what do I get in response? A woof and a spin and a lot of tail wagging. My appreciation for his cute puppy dog attitude is waning. Now I'm just the one he runs to when the vacuum cleaner comes out. Or it's thundering outside. Or when Nate says the dread "B" word (bath!). Stupid dog.

I have plans for him though. Next week will be doggie boot camp, led by yours truly. No more messing around. No more treats. Just good old fashioned retraining. And a lot of "I am the boss of you, now go lay down and junk".

Also, for those of you interested, it was 100 degrees today with 70% humidity. I may never go outside again.

Packing sucks

I love how moving has a way of forcing you to go through your junk, sorting the good from the bad and throwing stuff away, while treasuring and embracing things you'd forgotten since the last time you shoved it semi-ceremoniously into a box.

I'm probably a pack rat to a certain degree, as in I still have all my yearbooks and silly awards from high school, but I also love minimalism and a distinct lack of clutter in my life. The hub's love of technology, however, lends itself to certain amount of 'stuff', but we're working through all that. Sort of.

Items disposed of (donated or trashed):

7 - very large bags of clothing, his and mine, but mostly mine (and I haven't gone through my sweaters yet)

3 - boxes of junk still packed from when we moved here 2 years ago (and probably several more to come)

2 - boxes of VCR tapes (blasphemy!)

2 - vacuum cleaners (we bought a Dyson, don't get me started on how much it ROCKS)

18 - photos of four different exboyfriends (like I'd forget what the jerks looked like, I damn sure don't need photos as reminders)

a gazillion - used pens, old notebooks, random scribbled on papers

6 - boxes of fabric I collected for god knows what reason (found a group of ladies who quilt for charity, yay!)



My dilemma is this: what do I do with things like wedding and honeymoon pictures from my first marriage?

When we moved here, I just packed them up and figured I'd deal with them later. Well, I still haven't dealt with them. I can't just throw them out like that part of my life didn't happen. But they're not relevant anymore either. I tried to pawn them off on him when we split but he wasn't having it. Should I just keep some of the ones that are important to me? What if they're all important to me in some way? And what about the pictures of Hawaii? Those are entirely too beautiful to meet the trash compactor.

This one of me and my dad is one of my all-time favorite photos, even if it is from my first wedding.

It goes in the 'keep' pile.


Thoughts on the rest? Start a bonfire? Let them rest in peace (or pieces)?