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Thursday, June 22, 2006

in retrospect...

It’s nice to have a job that is fun, and I’m actually in charge of people and stuff, and not just a chick with a title and no power whatsoever. It’s relaxing to not be micromanaged to the point of total inefficiency. It’s liberating to be given responsibility and then trusted to follow through with it at your own pace, in your own way.

My previous employer, while a great man, was an extreme micromanager and a ‘my way or the highway’ kind of guy. Thus is the influence of the military, I suppose. To say I don’t thrive in that sort of atmosphere would be an understatement. If you weren’t able to predict and anticipate what he needed at any given moment, well, you wouldn’t last very long. Luckily I’m a mind reader. Ok that’s a lie. But I am funny and engaging, and I guess that’s what actually paid my bills, cause I screwed up a lot.

Most of that lead to a certain amount of fear and uncertainty for me, and coupled with the genuine distaste for the town we were in and the attitudes embraced by many of the folks there, you could conclude that I was pretty unhappy. That pronounced and very present sense of instability really took its toll on the way I thought, felt and acted. I felt fear, helplessness, anger, frustration, desperation, and often all those things at once. I constantly looked outside myself for what I thought I needed. Turns out I didn’t need anything I sought after. I just needed to be reminded of who I am.

And being back here reminds me thoroughly, forcefully, plentifully, and beautifully. It’s taken a few weeks, but I realized today that I’m not just back at home. I am back. Me. That hopelessness and desperation made me say and think (and probably do) crazy things. I grasped hold of just about anything I felt like I could have some control over (knitting, working out, gaming, etc), only to watch whatever I thought I had hold on crumble time after time (definition of insanity much?). Which only compounded my need to have something, someone that made me feel safe.

You’d think that my husband would have been the logical choice, but he was going through the same thing and we could hardly comfort ourselves, much less each other. A lesser marriage could have gotten very, very ugly. Thankfully, we’re both smart and we don’t do stupid things to hurt each other when we’re down (or ever actually). And we tell each other literally everything, and god, good communication is really the key to what makes us work so well. I’m really so lucky to have found such an incredible guy.

Thanks so much to all my friends who tried to help while I was in crazy/unhappy/paranoid/thinking-in-circles mode. I know I probably said some stupid shit. Thanks for loving me anyway. And for constantly trying to remind me of who I am (I mean Karen, Pete, and Joey specifically here…I love you guys).

Monday, June 19, 2006

dazed and confused

Dazed from being sick (yes again) and the intake of drugs that are *supposed* to make me feel somewhat normal, only to actually make me feel like a crazy person. Well, moreso than usual. I can do crazy just fine all by my self, thank you very much DayQuil. Confused because feeling completely out of it will do that to a girl. There was a lot of "where are we going again?" and "ok, now WHY are we doing this?". Ya'll know.

Thankfully I have a sweet hubby who kicks ass and makes a killer soup and takes me to the ER when I need a doctor on a Saturday afternoon. He'll be 30.5 on Friday, so Karen and I are throwing him a party. Shhh, it's a surprise. Did I mention that I absolutely and completely suck at surprises? Really. I do. It's sad.

The lovely Karen also seems to think I'm a super hero of sorts. Let's try and keep my true identity a little better hidden shall we, love? Damn. There I go, sucking at surprises again. Ah well.

Be forewarned that I come armed with turkey sandwiches and yarn.

Fear me.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


i may have just perished.

i can be found under the squat rack at my trainer's feet, somewhere inside a quivering pool of goo.

please come get me.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Beaucoup d'insanity

Ok, so we're *mostly* settled.

By mostly I mean I can find some of my bras, a few utensils and there is some food in the fridge which may or may not be consumed. There are still boxes everywhere. Most of which contain stuff to remain boxed until we move again and actually have space to unpack some things. Maybe this weekend I'll work on reboxing and moving junk. So I tell myself.

In the interim, I'm working on knitting a few items, because what better way to procrastinate right? And I have start-itis and there are so many things I want to work on, so I started them all. Ha knitting goddesses, take that.

First are a few washcloths from Mason Dixon Knitting. These are shamefully addictive, and I have almost a full metric ton of Sugar & Cream cotton to make a LOT more.

Honeymoon Cami, pre-bust increases and shaping. Pray to your local diety that it fits, or there will be cursing and hexing and laying upon of poxes. Yes you heard me. Poxes!

Another Shedir hat, this one for myself. I've tried in all my most beguiling of ways to get pictures of the gorgeous brown Shedir I made for Stacy in NYC, but she is a bit too computer illiterate to get them off her camera. I was a bit too stunned by the technology of my own camera to figure out how to get a good shot.

Baby Kimono (also from Mason Dixon Knitting). Not that I have anyone to give it to yet, but I'm sure someone will come along.

(I might be in a cream/white groove lately, no?)

And yummy plum colored yarn for another So Called Scarf, yet another gem I made as a gift and didn't want to give away. Tristan grows tired of all the knitting pictures and demands more kittie love.

Oh yeah! This new object of my affection is called Ellie. She's a four year old Beagle we rescued on Sunday. She likes to snuggle and hug, and generally be next to us. Once the cats get used to her, some semblance of sanity will be restored. Maybe. She and Tristan are the same size, so the actual degree of sanity is still up for debate.

Friday, June 09, 2006

I heart Athens

Moving this time around was as pleasant as it could possibly be. It's almost as if Athens is saying "welcome home bitches, i knew you'd be back, also here is some perfect weather so get cozy and junk, and hit the pool cause jeez you need a tan".

I'm ready to start the house hunt though because this apartment is tiny and not well laid out for people other than college kids who argue over stupid shit like who's going to pay their third of the cable bill and omg move your laundry and holy damn did your nasty ass boyfriend really eat my Fruity Pebbles?! Not that I have anything against college kids in general, only a few specific ones. Who happen to live upstairs. And the walls are thin.

Regardless, I'm so glad to be back. I've hit almost all of my favorite lunch spots and the requisite coffee joints.

I've done a little knitting, a little settling in, and a lot of shopping. Pictures of stuff later, when I find my camera.

I am tired.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

just in time

Today is the first day of hurricane season. And we are moving in two days. Far far away from the coast.

Surely there is no way a hurricane can form and slam into south Georgia in the last days of my existence here. I think. However, I'm pretty sure I know my luck on these things, so I'm warding with the apartment with little voodoo candles and doing the "stay the fuck away from me you mean ugly hurricane" dance anyway. (Granted, Brunswick hasn't had a major hurricane since 1893, but like UGA football fans across the state utter every freaking August, "this could be the year!". Geeks. Ahem.)

Dubious Wonder knows how to have a good time during the season, and for that we lift a glass of Hurricane Punch to her.

I am looking forward to watching something *other* than the Weather Channel over the summer. Like Supergroup. Thanks for your show review Miss K. I love it, but not to the point of obsession. Yet. And wtf is up with Sebastian? I had a *major* rockstar crush on him for the longest time, now all I can think is....ewwww. But Scott Ian and Jason Bonham can come home to me any time. Evan Seinfeld...gross. Ted Nugent...take away the guitar hero status and you have my dad. Double gross with a sprinkling of ewwww on top.

I've been amused today by:

1. my recent conversation with Etheridge where we spoke using Elvis song titles:

E: "You Can't Say No In Acapulco"
me: but i can "In The Ghetto"
E: "I wonder, I wonder, I wonder"
me: well, "(there's) No Room to Rhumba in a Sports Car"
E: "I Really Don't Want To Know"
me: I prefer "Paradise, Hawaiian Style"

We went on for quite a while. Clearly we do not have enough to do at our respective jobs.

2. White Zombie's "More Human Than Human". One of my all-time favorite songs.

3. Secret Wars Reinactment. Consider yourself geeked.