My Etsy Store

My Big Cartel Store!

My Stitches

Ack, Zombies!

Yarn Shopping!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


Wow. You guys are so awesome!! I was having a gloomy Christmas (not for any particular reason, just not in the spirit), and next thing I know everyone is calling, sending texts, and emailing. I hope everyone had a great sure made mine.

Our move has been great, minus the king size mattress and washer/dryer mishaps. Turns out those things don't really like a tight stairwell. Nothing is broken (that we can tell), but the banister and walls sure got a few scars. Sadly, the builder didn't have cable lines run when the power and water were done, so it's going to be a while before I have TV or internet service. This means I can only blog from work (ugh) and I can't go randomly look up all the things that I think of at night. Very frustrating. Oh, and my digital camera is somewhere in a box with lots of good pics on it. I'll get to those....eventually. And will someone Tivo Heros, Gray's, The Office, Earl, Buffy, and Mythbusters for me? I'm gonna be soooo bored.

I've been thinking a lot about this year and the direction(s) I led myself in and what sort of things I accomplished (or didn't). So I looked back at my goals from earlier this year to see how I did.

1 & 2: I chose not to compete after all. It was a lot more stress and work than I was willing to handle. I still have some exercise goals, but being on stage isn't one of them any more.

3: I did reign in my yarn buying (ok, just in the last month), and now I only buy for specific projects instead of being tempted by gorgeous stuff just for the hell of it. I also have focused my attention on learning and perfecting some new skills, including Fair Isle, and mastering socks.

4: I did not set up a meditation ritual, but I have a plan for that in the new house.

5: We moved, got new jobs and bought a house. And grad school awaits in just two (!!) weeks. Mission accomplished.

Overall, this was a year of change, which is exactly what I was after. Some changes were very hard but necessary (giving up gaming), and some were easy (getting jobs and moving back home).

I'm going to spend the next few days outlining a list of goals for 2007, including knitting plans, running routes, school insanity, and job hunting.

Monday, December 18, 2006


so i am incommunicato for 4 whole days and i come back to the very condensed version of some very old events courtesy of stacy, who was just supposed to say hi ya'll, etc.

this is what i get for granting creative license.

since stace gave the short-and-dirty version of events (all true), allow me to elaborate.

i did graduate high school with a 4.2 gpa. this is due mostly to taking all AP classes my senior year, followed by failing all the exams that would have let me exempt those classes in college. smart when required, not so good at the cumulative stuff. there is only so much room in my brain.

the ex-best friend story is all true, though i did try in vain to make amends. sometimes i say i'm sorry when it's not my fault, and i shouldn't have bothered, but we had been friends all through hs and at the time it seemed right. now i realize we had a very one-way friendship and i lost absolutely nothing except the cost of a dress. hands washed clean.

all the nicknames are right but she did miss one (or probably several). i earned 'hoover' my junior year of high school. there was more myth behind it than truth, and it actually came about during an acting class, but it kinda stuck among a certain crowd of guys. (don't they wish.)

and yes, i did 'dance' for about a year. i ran out of scholarship money the last semester of my senior year of college, and my dad encouraged me to go wait tables at a local club. that lasted all of about one shift and smart me realized that keeping the clothes on was not the fastest way to pay my very due bills. i talked to some of the girls, had a drink (or five), and went for it. the first club i worked at was one of the most fun times of my life. i made a metric shit ton of money, met a lot of fun (if slightly insane) people, indulged in my most favorite pasttimes (flirting with reckless abandon), and discovered that i could be really comfortable with my body and my sexuality while on display for drooling men who dig the girl next door. i worked at a few clubs after that while looking for a 'real job' once i graduated. my dad knew the whole time, but i only told my mom after i stopped dancing. she only had a minor coronary.

maybe someday i'll post a big long story about my experience. god knows there a lot to tell! drugs, wrongful attacks of fake boobs and the nipples trying to escape them, crazy clients, indecent proposals (ya'll know), etc.

i'm not sure what the pinata bashing incident is about, but i was probably drunk. i did get married on my lunch hour, to my current husband. we had a civil marriage at the court house a month before our wedding. it was a 'just us' sort of thing since weddings are really for everyone else.

p.s. we're almost totally moved in, and we LOVE the house. pics and final xmas knitting coming soon!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

We interrupt this blog for a hostile takeover.

Sorry to disappoint Mel's meager little readership, but she's currently indisposed and won't be writing any time soon. She's asked me to check in and do some updating for her, and I've gained creative license to blab all her dirty little secrets, or whatever I might decide to make up. Oh, and hi! I'm Stacy, longtime friend and chief secret-keeper.

I've also posted all the yarn she wanted to sell over at the Destash blog. If you like yarn, and I bet most of you do, go take a peek. The girl is not halting her knitting processes, but she is now on the verge of broke, what with the house buying and all, and wants to buy more yarn so she's selling stash that she won't be using. There's a lot up for sale. I think she might have some sort of yarn-buying disorder. Ya'll should make sure she's not sick or something. She's also real bad about making everyone around her learn to knit. She tried to teach me in March when we went to NYC, but it didn't really stick.

So, I bet you guys would just love some little secrets about our dear Mel. Let's see. In high school our girl was a bit of an overachiever. I think she graduated with a 4.2 or something close if I remember right. But she wasn't valedictorian. That prize went to her insanely bitchy ex-friend Melissa, who was not near as smart but she definitely worked hard I guess. Melissa showed her true colors when Mel got married the first time. Melissa was the maid-of-honor and threw an all out temper tantrum when Mel wanted to have actual living, breathing fun for her bachelorette party. She quit the wedding and I don't think they ever spoke again. In the meantime, I took her to an awesome male revue and we drooled over penises all night. Can I say penises here? Oh well.

In college, Mel's nicknames ran the gamut from Daley to Habib and Blueberry Muffin. One of her roommates gave her the Habib name when they were at a bar and she danced on a table to some song. Not long after that Mel did a little exotic dancing for real. I think her drinking had finally made her broke. She worked at the college during the day between classes and danced at night. And I'm not a lesbian or anything, but damn she could work it! And she has no shame whatsoever. All her roommates and everyone from her day job would come to see her. Ok I'm going to shut up about all that. Sorry Mel, don't kill me!

Oh yeah! The real reason I'm blogging for her is because she's moving into her house this week. It's really cute! But I'm pretty sure after this I won't be invited into the house or even to blog for her again. I'm sure she says hi to all you imaginary people. If you have her number, don't call or she might drop heavy furniture to answer. She's crazy like that.

Ok, now to find a way to dig myself out of this hole I've just created. Hey Mel, at least I didn't tell them about the pinata bashing, and that time you got married on your lunch hour!



Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i think i smell brains....

Wow so many things are happening at once right now that I can barely focus on any of it. I'm just head down, powering through and hoping there's some light when I look up again.

1. We close on the house tomorrow. I'm nervous, and giddy, and ready for it to be over already. Yes, the painters hate me. No, I don't care because they know I'm right. Yard work is done. Only some minor things remain (aside from the driveway) so we're closing anyway and holding money in escrow for those things.

2. I'm being advised next week for my first classes in grad school, and then I have to apply for loans. It's so bizarre because buying a house makes me feel all grown up, and going back to school makes me feel like a teenager again. I haven't done homework in eight years. I might hurt my cranium or something. Also, being this much in debt makes me feel like I might suffocate. Welcome to the American Dream.

3. Work is trying to dominate me in ways I'm not appreciating. Never really got into that whole S&M thing. But I can put on a good show. Ahem.

4. Knitting is my savior, my sanity, my freedom. I'm finishing the last hat tonight, along with finally finishing the first sleeve of the SKB. I just got so sick of that sweater and the sleeve's lace panels almost broke me, so I put it down for a while. Now I just want it off my needles. I've also started on Wendy's Drive Thru pattern as an 'extra' Christmas gift for my niece. She's tiny and the sweater is fast. I'm using KP's Swish, and it is so super soft that I don't even want to pick up anything else. There's definitely a sweater for myself in the works out of this stuff soon.

5. In my need to occasionally divert my thoughts (read: avoid some responsibility) I've found this game. I ditched gaming cold turkey about 6 months ago and I'm all the better for it (other than some wonderful people I miss). But, as a recovering addict, I know that the itch I feel to start spelling new words out of any text I'm given is just a thin layer of vaseline down that slippery slope. It's shocking that defeating an opponent with 'exacerbate' provides such a rush!! I'm a big fat nerd, and I'm ok. (And no, I'm not going back to any other kinds of gaming.)

Whew. Ok, I'm done. You may now return to your regularly scheduled life.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

p.s. i'm a picky picky bitch

the builder asked us last week to go in and mark all the places that need paint touch ups or sanding down/repainting.

here's all i have to say about that.

don't send a perfectionist to stare at the walls for a few hours, mkay?

we have a knitter down

i repeat, we have a knitter down.

it was a torturous struggle, lasting several miserable hours. lunch and dinner were witnesses, as well as a few beers, a lousy football game, and lots of curse words in front of little children. oh, the horror.

the lace panels on the skb's sleeves have sealed a decisive victory. a mandate, you might even say. i have conceded to their uberness and my total lack of knitting prowess.

i appear to have suffered a repetitive stress injury and i can not knit. thank you, oh fair cursed lace panel. the intense physical pain of knitting the lace has made me not even WANT to knit. (this is the real tragedy, of course).

so i'm saying fuck it. i ripped out what lace i had managed to endure, and we're going with plain sleeves. i'm happy, the sweater is relieved at not being completely ripped or worse, tossed into the Basket of Doom, never to be seen again. once i'm able to knit again, i will pick it back up and finish my hats too.

it's really a shame that i can still type and have zero pain at the keyboard. i'd kill for another day off.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

i might be kinda cool

cause i got into grad school, ya'll.

and my jaywalkers? yeah, they're going with scout to the knitty gritty filming in december. cool by proxy at least.

yesterday we walked through the house with the builder and detailed out all the nit-picky things that need to be finished before closing. we are thisclose and i couldn't be more excited. granted i may starve in january, but, (cue scarlett) i'll worry about that later. the last major thing to be done is the landscape junk - retaining walls, drainage, and driveway stuff. yay.

i'm really thankful for a few days away from work. i'm going to knock out the purple sweater and get some finished photos up next week.

after my turkey/sweet potato souffle/pecan pie coma.

have a warm and fuzzy turkey day, ya'll!

Monday, November 20, 2006

pictures tomorrow, i swear...

Edited to add: pictures!

I've been promising myself I'd post pictures of everything I'm working on. I wish I was a better photographer though. Funny thing about me and cameras. They hate me. Doesn't matter if I'm the shooter or shootee, it rarely turns out well. So I'm skipping that part for the moment. (Pay no attention to my laziness. Move along.)

Simple Knit Bodice. I swear I'm going to finish this. I've knit up to the lace panels on each sleeve, and I have to do the finishing on the neck, then wash, block and wear with pride. And a tank top. And probably a little smirk, cause it's really gorgeous.

Socks in Cherry Tree Hill's Supersock Merino in Old Rose. My feet are set on permafrost for most of the year, so I decided I need lots of warm snuggly handknit socks to keep them warm this winter. Since this yarn works up very quickly, I've finished this pair in a little under a week. Turns out the key for me is to finish the toe on sock #1 and IMMEDIATELY cast on for #2. Even if it's 3 a.m.

Christmas hats. Mad hattering over here so my big ass family will have warm heads on Christmas day. Six down, four to go. Two of those are for toddlers, so I'm ahead of the game. Maybe I should make extras or something. Yes that cream Shedir you see was for me, now it's for Grandma. She's real picky and wanted something complex. Doubt she'll ever wear it...such a tragedy.

Oh! Eunny's little Endpaper Mitts have caught my attention and I'm going to make myself a pair soon.

Central Park Hoodie is still on the menu, I'm just waiting for the yarn to arrive. I ordered some snuggly Araucania Nature Wool in a light brown color from Webs. Mmmmm I can't wait.

Enough knitting news.

All my paperwork is in to the grad school (thank you Karen!), we close on our house on the 30th (provided the builder type folks meet all our contingencies...p.s. hurry it up boys, this girl is impatient and you're stressing her out), and I have my resume out to several places, so I have some options. I asked for more money today, again (see previous posts on my intolerable lack of patience), but I'm not sure that I'll get it.

Add to that whole mess that I have an incredibly unpleasant co-worker who is about to get the very rude end of Melanie Being Pushed Too Far. I have loads of charm and southern politeness (not to mention an off-the-charts cute factor), and I normally go too far beyond all that in an effort to understand people, but when I go out of my way to engage in conversation with you FIVE whole times a day, you better fucking recognize and respond. I'm way too busy and stressed out to be bothered with somebody's bad attitude. She's stinking up the whole place and making an uncomfortable situation ten time worse than it has to be. The worst part is that it is her JOB to be outgoing and friendly. Ha. Maybe we should switch.

P.S. I take back what I said about the new MCR album. I didn't give it a fair listen, and frankly, I was in a bad mood. It's very cohesive and well done, and kinda reminds me of Green Day's American Idiot. Tight. Well played. An album, not just a bunch of songs thrown together. Me love it long time.

Monday, November 13, 2006

blahgity blahg

I'm in limbo. It is frustrating. I may become monosyllabic due to the melting of my brain in this time warp called 'everything in my life takes for-fucking-ever'. No wonder I've knit six hats in a week. I need action! Specifically in these areas:

1. Grad school. Still haven't heard about my application.

2. My job. Still don't know if I'm getting a raise at any time or in any dimension. However, work at this point completely fries my brain, so I'm not sure any amount of compensation is enough. The voices in my head want the pain to stop.

3. My house. Can I tell you guys how much I HATE to wait? I might be the most impatient person to ever live. Waiting to hear back from a finance person is just torture. I know I'm approved, now gimme my damn house key, beotch. I have decorating to do.

4. The Simple Knit Bodice. I only have the sleeves left to pick up and knit, and yet, I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of the lace panel on size ZERO needles makes me cringe. And yet if I just made it short-sleeved, I'd never wear it. Damn lace. And I really want to start on the Central Park Hoodie.


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

it's about damn time

Not that I'm a raging Democrat (though I do scream in a liberal direction), but YAY!

Plus: woot.

And, thank you Britney. Take him for all he's worth.

...oh wait


Sunday, November 05, 2006

i'm lazy, but i'm quick

Hi! This week has been super insane, what with the end-of-month work junk, and the knitting on my purple sweater, and the buying of a house.

YES! I said buying a house! We did some budgeting and made an offer this week and the builder is meeting our contingencies. We close on the 30th! It's big and adorable and perfect (except for the things the builder is changing, specifically the driveway and yard/drainage issues), and we're both just crazy excited. (Could I use more 'and's' in one post?! I do that when I'm excited. Insert lots of giggling here.)

See that whole lack-of-a-yard thing? Gonna be fixing that.

Also, I finally sat down today and wrote the Corset Scarf pattern, with some technical help from Denise, as you can see on the sidebar. Let me know if you download and knit it! I'd love to see some of these worked up in different colors. I almost made it in black with red ribbons or totally black with red rosettes, but the Funky Scarf Swap was about funkiness, not so much with the sluttiness. I might make the black for myself, since I'm cool with the slut/goth factor.

So, to the meat of the post...since we're buying a house and almost every cent of our money is tied up, I'm going to be breaking that little vow I made a while back. I'm going to be knitting ALL my Christmas gifts. All of them. Needless to say, every one is getting a scarf or a hat. But I'm quick. I made this decision yesterday, and I've already finished my mom's Blanche hat in Jo Sharp's Silk Road, in a pretty light blue. Tonight I started my step dad's hat in a brown tweed. He's a very brown tweed sort of guy. It's perfect.

My brothers will probably get black hats with various color stripes, and most of the ladies (my grandmother, aunt and SIL) will get scarves. (Lisa, this does not apply to you, unless you want it to of course :P)

I think I'm going to reserve Tuesday nights for our LYS's Sweater Support Group night when I want to work on my own stuff.

Whew. It's gonna be a crazy few months. House, holidays and grad school (January) all at once. Somebody cross their fingers and junk.

Monday, October 30, 2006

these socks did not kill me

And I have them BEFORE Halloween, as promised. These are now my official Punkin Day socks. Or any other damn day I choose.

Pattern : Jaywalker by Grumperina
Yarn: Socktoberfest by ScoutJ

The first sock took infinitely longer than the second. Having a deadline helped motivate me to finish, and I blew through the second one. It's way cool to have handmade socks on my feet. Crafted by these two hands. These! Mine! It is reminiscent of Tom Hanks on the beach and his pride at having made a fire. I have made sock! Not just one, but two! And they match! And fit! And they're so cool I think I might faint!

My costume tomorrow is Awesome Chick in Jaywalkers. Or serial killer. One of those.

(and god did i really post 3x in the last 7 days? what has the world come to?!?)

i can't sleep

i woke up this morning unable to move. at some point in the night the muscles in my neck seized up and it hurt so much i couldn't even turn over. after several muscle relaxers, muscle creams and a heating pad, it feels better, but not enough to let me sleep.

i'm also a bit depressed, and i can't put my finger on why. i'm doing so well right now, with the whole grad school thing and looking at houses and my insomnia has greatly diminished, so i can't figure out what's bugging me. and i hate a mystery. surprises too. i like to know what's going on so much that it almost makes me obsessive after an answer. growing up, it was almost impossible for my parents to surprise me at christmas. i can hunt down a stocking stuffer like no one else. and if it's a person i'm trying to figure out, god help them. i develop a weird stalkeresque vibe and i dig and dig and dig until i find what i'm looking for. then i just retreat back into my head and contemplate what the world means with my new-found information. i can't stand being left in the dark, or worse, lied to...that just makes me want to know more and dig harder. but at the end of the day, i just want to know what's going on.

so maybe it's that in the last few weeks i've gotten a lot of messages on my myspace account from guys i used to date, with the usual wording being 'hey stranger! what's up? how ya been?'. the immediate response in my head is along the lines of 'you dumped me in college and you wanna know how the fuck i am?!? don't make me get shitty with you, asshole' and 'i dumped you and i still remember why, and i still have nothing to say'. old friends are great to hear from, but someone who wouldn't return my phone calls can fuck off. still, i can't help but wonder what the hell they're thinking. they're probably losing their hair and having early midlife crises.

ok i just stubbed my toe and cut my foot open. i think it's time to attempt sleep again. maybe.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

good things

1. I finished one Jaywalker, and have started on the other.

2. I'm getting a fat raise in January.

3. I scored a 434 on the MAT, out of 500, and I only needed 374 to get in. (p.s. i rock)

4. I'm going to grad school.

Monday, October 23, 2006

many things, one post

Last week took about 3 days too long. All work and no play makes me tres boring and also a little brain-fried. And very frustrated at my job and all the changes. And I'm still waiting to hear my test results to see if I get into grad school. Also, I want to buy a house RIGHT. NOW. And then have babies (twins, please, so I only have to do the whole labor thing once), and knit lots and lots of sweaters and wee things. Be glad you aren't totally subject to the workings of my brain. Ya'll would be fried too.

Yesterday I was home sick and finally went to the doctor for this month-long cough. The usual suspects are to blame: upper respiratory infection/bronchitis. I get the same thing all the time thanks to my allergies and asthma. Allergies cause mucus, while the asthma makes my lungs weak. Slap me with some TB and call me a lunger.

While I was home, I was privy to the insane amount of cuteness that goes on here during the day. I give you shameful evidence:

Tristan snuggled in my blanket while I took a shower.

Murphy and Sydney keep the computer chair warm.

Tristan and Molly get a solar recharge.

I'm in serious need of updating, and a big shout out of "Thanks, you rock!" to my Funky Scarf Pal, Kristin.

I love this scarf. The blues are exactly me. And she sent some yummy pink yarn and lots of Asian goodies!!

And a bit of Jaywalker progress:

I love this yarn, and I am ready to wear these things already!! I wish I knit faster, cause it's getting cold around here. My toes need wool! I will finish this toe tomorrow and immediately cast on for the second one. I will have a completed pair of socks by Halloween if it kills me.

I am still going to write a pattern for the corset scarf, I just haven't gotten to it yet. But soon. It's really pretty easy, I just have to sit down and map it all out.

In other random news - go see The Departed. I love Matt Damon in many sick ways, so it creeps me out that he looks a LOT like my little brother. A lot. Good script, awesome cast, crappy continuity (so sayeth the film major), and a bit too much of the shootings in the head. I'm not a DeCaprio fan, but I totally bought his performance. Jack rocks, of course. Overall, a good movie with lots of bad cops (a total shocker, I know).

Also, I picked up the new My Chemical Romance CD today. Not sure yet if I like it. It might be a little too over produced for my sweet punk heart. But I love with a passion the Open Door CD from Evanescence. If you have any feeling for Amy Lee, you will go get it now before I steal her voice and run away to be a rock star in some other country. 'Call Me When You're Sober' and 'Weight of the World' are my favs. Not many women make me swoon, damn it. Buy. It. Now. or the drummer gets it. I'm just sayin.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Socktoberfest & FSS

**Edited to add: I'll be writing up the pattern in the next few weeks since there seems to be a tad of demand for it.

I'm back from Philly, and they kept us so busy that I had no time to knit (other than put the finishing touches on the Funky Scarf for Michelle), and I didn't even see Philly or do anything worth mentioning, aside from working my ass off.

However, now that I'm back, I've started on a pair of Jaywalkers with the Socktoberfest yarn from Scout (who is awesome, as is her yarn).

Drool at the yumminess of it all.

Aren't those colors just perfect for fall? I plan to have these finished by Halloween. I actually started another pattern and realized about 3 rows in that this yarn would make kickass Jaywalkers. And so it shall be.

As for the Funky Scarf, it got sent out on Friday to Michelle in Canada. I really hope she likes it. I went with a corset theme, using Elsbeth Lavold's Hempathy in Off White. I knit two identical strips lengthwise and joined them together at the lace section using a green velvet ribbon. I also used yarn overs strung with ribbon to create a boning type effect. Then I imbellished with some silk rosettes, and tied the ribbons at the bottom for fringe.

Some Detail!

Closer boning detail.

Yet another view.

My only regret is that I didn't have my steamer with me, as I had blocked the pieces prior to putting them together and the edges had begun to curl. They could have used a final blocking for a slightly crisper look. Regardless, I like it a lot, and when I get some time, I'll probably make one similar to this for myself.

Friday, October 06, 2006


just found out i'm flying to philadelphia on sunday for a week-long work training conference.

there had better be some good shopping and lots of yarn stores, and maybe a little history for fun.

i should remember to pack my camera.

maybe i'll be able to pop in while i'm gone with knitting pics, cause i plan to take a few projects along so i can finish them. oh la la!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

b'day recap

Remember how I'm not so great with the details? Let's just say we had a lot of fun at Emeril's for my big fat birthday (and thanks for the good wishes everyone!). Food was good, service was awesome, company was even better than all that. The restaurant is gorgeous and we'll definitely go back, but we'll probably just have appetizers and drinks instead of a full course meal.

My birthday was awesome. It was a beautiful day, and I just felt amazing. I spent most of the day being very high energy and feeling one with everything (cause I am everything and everything is me. ya'll know*).

And now plans are in full swing for our May trip to California. Lisa and I bought travel books, cause all I know about is LA. We'll probably fly into LA and drive up the coast then fly out from somewhere up there, maybe Portland? That would rock.

I'm madly working on my funky scarf for the swap, and it will be ready, blocked and put together on Friday. Then it's back to my sweater and casting on some socks. I have strange sock urges these days.

*(and apparently my stalkers know too. cut it out already, you suck.)

Sunday, October 01, 2006


I'm officially 30.

I guess it's ok, since I was really lucky to survive 20 (drunken near-death experiences) and 25 (divorce).

When I was very young, I was convinced that I wouldn't make it to 16, so in that respect, being 30 is fucking awesome.

And now my family officially has permission to bug me for babies.

Dear gods help me.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

SKB progress

But first, a little cuteness diversion. That's Molly (stripy cat) sitting on Tristan's head in the window. I guess he was there first and she maneuvered in on him for quality solar regeneration. Ellie was sitting on the chair and wanted to say hi as I was clicking.

Here's the SKB so far. Pay no attention to my jammies and the random shit on my countertop. Can't wait to do the finishing edges on the neck to see how much it actually reveals. But I LOVE it. I knit a few rows before starting the lace after having to rip it out b/c when I tried it on the first time the purl rows were on my boobs...not good.

The lace took forever on size zero needles. Bleh. But that's what it took to get gauge. Finally finished that section and the purl ridges last night and I've done 3 repeats of the hip increases today. I should be finished with the body soon, but I'm feeling the crunch on finishing my funky scarf for the swap, so I may put this on hold until that's completed.

Also, I love these beads and I think I've used them effeciently enough so that I'll have plenty for the sleeve lace sections. They're size 11 in dark cranberry. This is gonna rock once it's finished and blocked. I can hardly wait!! I wanted to wear it to my birthday dinner this weekend, but that's clearly not gonna happen.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


this blog post brought to you by the letters C (caffeine) and Z (Zyrtech) and the number 2 (2 Dayquil).

the body is on GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO and the brain is on 'huh? slow down i'm sleepy".

yay drugs.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

i heart fall

Thank the gods for fall weather and Saturday nights. Seriously. I've had a rough few days, but the wave of cooler weather and the possibility of sweaters at night have really brought my mood back around. I can't wait until the leaves change and we can go shopping for pumpkins and crunch through the dead leaves in our hiking boots. A little piece of zen right there folks. Ahhhhhh.

It also helps that last night Karen, Jenna, Becca, Jen&Zack and I went out after the play. Downtown Athens, post-football game (a win, of course), tons of people everywhere, all having a great time...just yum. I've missed giggling at fashion victim sorority girls who flash too much boob and the boys who stare at them (title of a Springer episode?). The desperate air of "someone PLEASE notice me" is so obvious and sad, and yet, I can't help but snicker at the spectacle of it all. Because it's not just one girl, it's ALL of them. (And also because I used to be one of them...shhh.) Competing for attention, when really, it should be the other way around with the guys trying to impress instead of just ogling at the free show.

Anyway, we had homefries and milk shakes at the Grill, then a stroll around the scenery of downtown. Sadly, I missed the Bling show at Tasty World, but I plan to catch them when they show up again on Halloween at the Georgia Theater.

And this week is especially sweet, because on Saturday night, my sweetie and I along with my older brother and sister-in-law will be dining at Emeril's Atlanta. I'm pretty sure I'll be having Atlantic Salmon and the Banana Creme Pie for dessert. I'll be 30 next Sunday, and I intend to revel in it!

Oh, I also created a new blog over on Vox, just to try it out, but I haven't really done much with it yet. Might keep it as my own private hideaway, though. Still pondering.

(I just noticed this post is very comma-ful, and it's making me giggle. I'm so easily amused.)

Saturday, September 23, 2006

and then there's worse

turns out the whole "you DO have a job and a place to live with your six animals for free" thing, is not as certain as it seemed to be. i'll know what IS certain for me and my staff next week (maybe), but we do know than an entire division of our staff is going to be replaced, and potentially all of us will be gone once the buy goes through.

it wouldn't be such a huge deal if i actually knew what was going to happen. i don't enjoy being left without any knowlege, and no way to get any info because no one will answer a direct question or return a phone call. it was never the plan to stay in this place or this job for very long, but i'd like the choice to leave to be MY choice. it's just more stress than i need right now.

i'll be very glad when this play is over, because despite the fact that it's fun and the cast is awesome, it's totally exhausting. but it's a nice distraction from turning 30 next weekend. not that i'm freaking out about that or anything.

no new knitting content here. the poor sweater has been sitting in a paper 'whole foods' bag for over a week now, and very little progress has been made.

i swear there will be more chipperiness someday in the future. promise.

Monday, September 18, 2006

bad, good, and better

Bad: Just the tiniest hint of stress going on at Chez Lotus. I definitely took on too much this month, and I'm paying for it physically. My only opportunities to hit the gym have been my planned visits to see my trainer. Once this play is over though, I'm cycling and lifting with a vengeance. I'll also need to make an appointment with my chiropractor and a massage therapist, cause ow my body is all screwed up. Even when I sleep I don't relax. I dream about drowning and suffocating and being chased by awful things (luckily though some nice guy always saves me, or better, I figure out a way to save myself. woot.). But, I wake up strugging for air, even though I've taken my inhaler and my allergy meds. Bleh.

Good news: I get to keep my job. For now. We find out more details today about benefits and pay (do a little rain dance for more money!), and various other things with the new company. I'm still peeking at other options, but I haven't seen anything that really strikes me yet.

Better news: I'm applying for grad school this week. And taking the GRE or MAT in October. If I get all my shit together in a timely manner, I can start school in January. Woot. And still work during the day. Double woot. And live rent free! I don't think you can triple woot a double woot, so yay instead. I'm just sayin.

In knitting news, I've almost completed the lace panel for the SKB, and I'll post pics later this week. My funky scarf is coming along. And I dropped out of Sock Wars. I know, I was so excited about it. But with this play and the other things I want (need) to work on, I just don't have time, and I *so* didn't want to be out on the first round. I'm a sore loser, what can I say?!? I'd rather take an honorable DPN thru my skein than lose because I'm pressed for time. Ya'll know.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Needless to say, I've been very introspective today. This time five years ago I was getting a divorce, worried about my mom (she works across from a federal building, and at the time, no one knew what the hell to expect next), and pretty damn sure that the world was coming to an end somehow. And in some ways, for a lot of people, it did.

I guess I could go on and on about how our country has changed (for better or for worse) and how we're still not safe, and who we should blame. I haven't had any peace about it today because it still hurts a lot. It broke my heart when I visited the site in March. It made me cry this morning when I watched the CNN coverage from that day. But more importantly, it's made me really grateful for what and who I have in my life. And that is what has dominated my mind today. Yes the anger and the curses, but the gratitude is always underlying.

On to more 'trivial' subject matter. This sweater.

It is stunning. (I'm so in love with purple right now, it's getting quite disgusting.) It fits!!! (Praise all beings I could possibly name.)

But these lace rows are KILLING ME. To get gauge I had to dig out my size ZERO needles. Guess I'm really loose *cough cough*.

They are taking an exorbitant amount of time and cramping my hands in the process. At this gauge, my beloved Highland Silk is being splitty and the beads are barely cooperating. They are also photographing in orange. They are most certainly NOT orange, and if they continue to act in such an offensive manner they may get ripped. That, or the camera gets a good solid flushing. I'm also a bit concerned that I won't have enough beads to do the arms and the trim. Tragedy may ensue.

I'm so incredibly knee-deep in my purple funkiness, that I even dyed yarn that is variegated in purples. Some of it is almost magenta, some a very deep grape crush color.

This pic does it absolutely no justice. Just so you know.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

list o' things

first, the offending sweater, pre-divorce.

so far it is behaving itself in ball form. i've shoved the entire bag of yarn into a drawer so it can't mock me openly.

also, i seem to have gotten myself involved in a few more things than i was prepared to handle this month.

1. makeup art direction for 'the tempest' at our local theater. i barely wear makeup myself, so this is getting interesting. still researching and drawing designs. probably gonna need help, unless time stops for about 5 hours every night while i work on everyone.

2. sock wars. i'm not a very fast knitter. guess i should pick up the pace right quick then. this is a sock i'm working on for myself from some simple cable patterns in lorna's laces chino colorway. cause i'm plain like that.

3. simply knitted bodice kal. i heart this design so very much, which is making it hard to want to practice sock knitting. progress so far. i'm using elann's highland silk in autumn purple with some irridescent pink/purple/gold beads. i had to use size 5 needles to get gauge. and i'm diligently checking gauge every few inches, lest i be insulted a second time.

4. funky scarf swap. i have the design charted and supplies purchased. just need time to knit on it a while and make it more of a reality than just 5 rows worth of knitting (though they are lengthwise rows). this is the beginnings of 'the corset scarf'. i'm knitting two separate identical thin scarves that will be joined at this lace section of each by some pretty white ribbon in a crisscross pattern. each side has two 'boning' sections, also threaded with ribbon. i think it will be pretty, and somewhat funky. at the very least, it will be unique! oh, and i'm using elsbeth lavold's hempathy (so in love).

5. and then there's work. plenty to do there. and our company just got bought, so i may not have a job next month. must look for a new job just in case. and a new apartment since my current job provides that for me.


Friday, September 01, 2006


Dear Raglan Sweater,

I really thought that this time, you were the one. I fell for your teal colored cotton/angora-ness, your softness and your shape...oh my your shape. I adore the very stuff you're made of and (especially) your gentle touch and warmth, and I even could have learned to love the way your occasional loose fiber would make its way up my nose and cause me to sniffle and sneeze. "Allergies be damned!" I said. Cause when it's love, who cares about a little nose tickle?

So where did we go wrong? When I swatched you, you were a perfect five stitches per inch. Perfect! I know, cause I counted repeatedly, as it seemed too good to be true. So I printed my pattern guide, did all my math based on what you told me, and cast on. But you, lied. Once we actually began, you changed your mind about your gauge. Maybe you saw me working on designs for the funky scarf pattern. Maybe you heard me talk about Sock Wars once too often. Perhaps you saw the printed pattern for the Simply Knit Bodice, and that was Just. Too. Much. And so you sought to get even. Did you silently giggle as you sent angora up my sensitive nose? Were you cackling with glee when I'd try you on and think "hmm, it seems a little big, but it's ok, it's supposed to be a tad big, and besides it's cotton and will shrink a little, so really it's perfect"? Oh how you deceived and deluded me.

I suppose I just fell so in love with how easily we seemed to get along, that I hardly noticed that suddenly you were half a stitch off and becoming far too large for my frame. I made excuses for you. Shame on me. And I would have been faithful! I diligently worked on you, neglecting all other projects in hope of savoring and embracing our time together. But no, you just couldn't trust me. I may have had other yarns on my mind, but you flat out lied. And technically, I didn't cheat.*

I made mistakes here, yes, but so did you. We could have been so beautiful together. Perhaps the timing wasn't right. Perhaps you're really supposed to be a v-neck. Whatever. It's over.

Not exactly cordially,


P.S. After I've had my way with a few other projects, we'll try again. But until then, you just sit in your bag, all balled up, and think about what you've done.

*As far as you know.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

war of the sock

I love a little competitive spirit. I'm such a five year old at heart that just hearing "Wanna race?" makes me very excited. And cocky. I might not win, but I'll go down with attitude. And maybe trip you in the effort. What? It was an accident, I swear.

So it makes sense that Sock Wars has my undivided attention in a sick, perverted Pavlovian way. True, I just got my first actual sock off the needles THIS WEEK (not even the entire pair mind you), so while I might not have mad skilz, my heart and energy should be enough to at least kill my first target.

I'm not so brave, however, as to attempt the insanity going on over here. Ya'll. Is. Crazy. I'm cheering for all the contenders, and placing my bet. I'm on pins and needles, checking blogs for updates like the blog-stalker I am. Ya'll know.

And on a totally unrelated note: I love Entourage right now and I secretly wish that somewhere there's a Ramones movie in production. And I'm sad that this Sunday is the final episode for a while. Jeremy Piven absolutely steals the show, so I might have to watch reruns to get my fix. And Deadwood will be ending Sunday as well. Crap. I was just starting to get into the dialogue cadence and figure out what the hell is going on. I have to watch in captions just to keep up. My favorite interchange is this: Hearst says: Mornin' Dan replies: Best time of the day to go fuck yourself. Still cracks me up.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Knitch, natch

This Saturday, Lisa and I went to the new yarn store, Knitch in Virginia Highlands. This is their very cool metal sculpture bird just outside the door. I love that he's knitting (natch).

The store is gorgeous and the ladies who run it are very friendly and helpful. We spent probably two hours there and shared some good laughs with the owners. There was also much yarn fondling and a mad case of the drools.

Also, for a brand spankin' new yarn shop, there were LOTS of folks just hanging out and knitting. Must. Go. Back.

I really love this stuff, some yarn from Be Good (whose website I can't find, though I'm sure it exists).

My scarf pal digs these pink/orange combos and I almost bought some, but I think I found what I want to make for her in the Recycled Sari Silk area. Still futzing around with patterns and designs, so nothing to show yet. Fawn over the yarn that could have been instead. For now.

This is Rockstar from Tilli Thomas. I *did* buy the silver with the clear glass beads. It's better than sex. And it's mine all mine. I may not even knit it up. It deserves lots of petting and its own special place by my pillow. I'm just sayin.

And they had some skeins from Material Whirled that were just stunning (i was too awed to take pics). I really love Almost Innocent (ha!) and the Skull Skeins. If I were knitting for Amanda, I'd buy Flippin' Monkeys in a second.

In related fiber news, Nate and I are working out the details and debating on attending Rhinebeck or SAFF in Asheville. Both are in October, on consecutive weekends and it would really be cool if we could hit both, but alas, lack of money prevents it. If we went to Rhinebeck, we'd spend a few days in Boston, and maybe NYC (not sure I can stomach the NYC twice in one year) then the weekend in Rhinebeck. If we go to Asheville, it would just be for the weekend. But a gorgeous fall weekend with red/yellow/orange leaves and beautiful mountains! Not that Rhinebeck won't be pretty, but it would definitely be more expensive. Guess which way I'm leaning.

Oh! And I *can* make socks! I finally got the nerve (read: patience) to sit down and figure out kitchener stitch to close the toe. Took me a few tries, cause I kept looking at my work and thinking, "good lord, that's got to be the most retarded toe I've ever can't be right". But it was. And it's a perfectly functional toe and maybe the most beautiful ever.

Do pardon the hairy leg. I was so excited that I didn't even bother to shave for my closeup.

Friday, August 18, 2006

bring me (back) to life


i'm exhausted (and boring it would seem). so tired that i'm taking naps at lunch, and usually sleeping over my hour break. even our friend pete (who i can barely find time to chat with, even via gmail, and even then if i'm not totally slammed at work and *then* if the retardation that is our dsl connection is working - seriously it's like working in a third world country sometimes) asks the other day "where is the happy no-stressy mel? i miss her'. and all i could reply is 'i dunno, but if you see her, send her this way'.

i think i might have a day off this week. sunday. then it all starts over again with a stupid monday. but at least i've become aware of what day it is. baby steps toward my eventual return to normalcy.

work is nuts, though slowly calming. students are back in town. chaos ensues. sec college football starts in two weeks, and while i dont just adore the extra 80k people in town when all i really want to do is get some groceries, the games are fun to watch on tv as long as there are good friends and good beer nearby. i've only stepped into our football stadium twice in my life, and i'll never go back. thanks to beer spillages and random grabbings of my ass, it's football on tv from here on out for me. keep your frat boy mitts to yourself, thank you very much.

also, i've managed to fend off the work drama queens with laughter. they tell me their drama stories of the frat house or the gay boys and i just laugh and keep my own stories to myself. otherwise my policy is 'check your drama at the door'. cause i only have room for my own semi-dramas (like my trainer not showing up this morning...grr...but still, not even real drama just irritation), and even the things that try to manifest as realish drama are getting a laugh from me. whatever. i just don't have the time, patience or brain capacity to be bothered.

all my extra energy (extra?!? lol) is going toward figuring out what i'm going to do for the scarf swap. i have some fun ideas, though nothing concrete and i desperately want to go yarn shopping. But despite spending all my waking hours at work, i'm magically broke as fuck. i dunno where the money is going, but i hope it's having a good time without me.

Monday, August 14, 2006

FSS info

Last week I joined the Funky Scarf Swap in an attempt to broaden my knitting horizons and try something I might not ordinarily spring for. Like a wild yarn or designing an interesting pattern. I have some fun ideas, so we'll see what comes of it all. In the meantime, here are my answers to the questionnaire:

Are you allergic to any fibers?

Probably wool, but I wear it anyway. Mohair for sure. The fuzz gets in my eyes, and that takes all the fun out of it.

Do you prefer any fibers over others?

Not really, though I'll always go with soft over scratchy. And I'll NEVER say no to cashmere. I don't really do acrylic or furry things.

Thinking back to Scout’s post about what funky means to you, post an image of something that you think is funky!

I like Gwen Stefani's style. Girl can get away with just about anything, and makes it look good even when pregnant. It's all about attitude and putting the right things together, then throwing in something unexpected.

Would you prefer funky yarn or a funky pattern?

Either, or both! I'm not picky, and I'm going to love and drool over whatever comes my way.

What are your favorite colors?

Blues, teals, pinks and purples. Oh, and red! Hmm, I like earth tones too, so add browns, deep greens, grays...ok, ok there's not much I *don't* like!

What is your favorite piece of art?

I love art that makes me feel calm, usually landscape paintings with blues, greens and yellows. I also like art that makes me think and feel (Dali, Picasso, Pollack).

What colors would you never have up close to your pretty face?

Yellow and orange. I can get away with yellow as long as it's not the *only* color involved.

Would you prefer an actual scarf or a cowl?

A scarf. But I won't cry if I get a cowl. I just don't like the word. Don't much care for the word 'ointment' either, but that's not really relevant.

When you wear a scarf do you prefer a wider/shorter scarf or a thin/long scarf?

Medium to longer lengths. I like them to wrap around my neck at least once, usually twice.

What is the climate like where you live?

Hot in the summer, 20s and 30s in the winter. I plan to wear lots of scarves this winter, because I'm very cold natured, and also because I like them.

Would you prefer a functional scarf (to keep you warm) or one just to funk-up your wardrobe?

Oh please funk me! I wear relatively conservative clothes at work (think business casual) and the usual jeans/tshirt when going out (fuck party clothes and heels, blech). But I'm very liberal minded even if I don't usually dress the part like many do where I live. I'm a 'comfort above all things' kinda girl and could probably use some spicing up!

What else would you like your partner to know about you?

I love love love to be surprised. And I'll love anything you make. I'd also really dig your own original work way more than a pattern, but obviously, I leave the choice to you. I'm easy to please, so don't stress over it, just have fun!

And now, back to sleep with me. I am le tired.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

just realized it's thursday

Holy gods, where did this week go? And praise be to me that it's almost over. I've been told today that my normal (ha. normal.) life may resume in 2 to 3 weeks. Woot.

I forgot my pic of the sweater the other day, so I give you now the beginnings of le raglan sweater pour moi. And coming soon to a stitch holder near me...sleeves! I can hardly wait! I really really really love this teal color. I shall be ever so sexah. And a little slouchy. That's how I do.

(Random books on table are: cookbook by Giada from Food Network (yum), An Inconvenient Truth, and some guitar book. About 5 knitting books live on the other side of the table. Guess where I spend a lot of time when not working my ass off?)

Yesterday was "Bring My Dogs To Work Day" cause the maintenance guy was doing some work in my apartment. And also cause I can. Taylor (aka Pooh...all dogs are poohs to me, but he gets the capital P), graciously modeled my completed scarf.

Isn't he so very GQ?

Ellie hid behind my chair and refused to acknowledge anyone, including me most of the time.

Also notice the ever-present bottle of DDP. It's my crack ya'll.

After work, I joined Karen, Jenna, and Brooke at Hot Corner and we taught Brooke how to knit. I should have taken a camera cause we were cute as hell. We put on our redneck southern accents (not to be confused with our come-hither southern drawls), and stared down anyone who dared look at us sideways, while also fugging every poor soul who walked in the door. I guess that makes us catty white trash poseurs. Whatev. We laughed a lot, which is all that matters.

When I got home, I got out of the car and promptly walked into the biggest spider web in the history of the world and thereby lost my shit in the parking lot. If anyone had seen the altercation, they'd have had me arrested for insane behavior and potentially indecent exposure. Crazy girl screaming, running in circles, and maybe getting a little naked. Normal bugs I can handle. Spiders not so much. I immediately went in and took a shower, as the thought of sleeping with spider spit all over me was too much to bear. And also the notion that maybe the spider is in my hair.

I'm still a little freaked. Never did find the damn spider.

Monday, August 07, 2006

quickish update

i dont really do quick (unless you count the occasional quicky). but i do lists well, so we'll go with that.

1. work blows. and sucks. it has the inate ability to do both at once. but i'm *home* so i'm not really complaining, i swear. just tired of working 7 days a week and being completely stressed out about the amount of work to be done, that even in our haste we may have a difficult time accomplishing. what day is it again?

2. knitting is good. so called scarf is finished but i don't feel like having anyone take a pic of me modeling the damned thing (it's hot, the scarf is wool, my give-a-shit factor is nil), so i may throw it at unwitting victims and snap quickly so as to get a shot of it. i've cast on for a top-down raglan sweater using this site (and not jemima, though i can't say why other than i just don't love it like i used to) cause i'm ready to knit something new and make my brain do more creative tasks than data entry and conflict management. also, no one gets knitted gifts for christmas this year. i'm enjoying making stuff for me a bit too much to be diverted.

3. i heart the dog whisperer. he is my new hero and i think i might love him. i wish he'd come to my house and help me deal with my shy little beagle. she's adorable and sweet, but she's afraid of everything. it makes me sad. cesar, come.

4. my dryer died. i have to get a new one. and oooooh the pretty options. can't spend a grand on a stupid dryer though.

5. i wish i had time to work out. i miss cycling and i'm mushy. bleh. still don't miss gaming though. but my kick ass monitor misses me and is getting dusty. maybe i'll pick up a nancy drew murder mystery game for old times sake. or hello kitty. ooooh kitty.

have a great week! or weekend! i really don't have a clue what day it is and i'm afraid to ask. so happy whatever.

Friday, August 04, 2006

such a dork

I visit this site every single day. When I have a break from working like mad. Or at least attempting to work while fielding stupid questions and neverending phone calls. It keeps me smart. Or at least intrigued.

I also frequently read this blog, which may be the exact polar opposite. He makes me laugh so hard that diet cokes comes out my nose. My dearest friend Pete is the only other human to accomplish this. Astounding, eh?

Friday, July 28, 2006

so, anyways...

I promised there would be knitting, and there is.

I give you exhibit A:

I found this chart for argyle (aarrrrgyle!) socks, and I had to see if I could figure out intarsia enough to make a pair for myself (why yes, I can as a matter of fact). And any other person in my life who laughed out loud upon viewing that chart. Laughing in a "haha! I must have those!" sort of way, not a "haha, but ok that's extraordinarily lame" way. It's ridiculously oversized because I grabbed some cotton Peaches n Cream from my MDK dishcloth stash and tried out the chart and the technique on a grander scale. I did not have the suggested red and gray accent colors, so I went with the pink and green from said stash for a bit of a punk pirate effect. My jolly roger digs the Misfits. Rawr. I mean arrrr. (Blame Johnny Depp, he really is forcing my hand here.)

Exhibit B is my So Called Scarf, with the pretty plum yarn and is almost completed. The wool is kind of scratchy, so I find myself knitting a few rows and then switching to something else. That or I'm tired of it already. Or lazy. Those excuses are not mutually exclusive of course.

Exhibit C is...well...hmm. I'm working on Sizzle, sort of. I cast on the first time, worked a few rows and then measured it. Not wide enough. No matter how many times I swatched and thought I got gauge, I really didn't. Also, my body is shaped differently than the pattern's author (shorter torso, wider hips), and I'd rather knit it in the round anyway. So I measured myself where I want the bottom to hit, reswatched for gauge, did the math (bleh), and cast on the right amount of stitches. I've knit a few rows since then. I think I have Post Math Stress Syndrome or something. I just can't bear to pick it up again. I know it's only a little addition and a touch of multiplication, and I *have* a calculator for god's sake, but something about it stresses me out. Pics eventually, should I somehow find time to knit more, and stop working 6 days a week (not likely anytime soon).

On a completely unrelated topic: I've run into the exhubby TWICE now. Clearly he doesn't understand the whole "this is my side of town, and that's your side" philsophy. Or we still have a few random things in common. Like driving. And eating.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

attack of verbosity

Here I sit. Again. Thinking about posting, cause wow there's a LOT of crap in my head that really wants to come out, but as ever, I've censored it. Some of it is lame, stupid, ridiculous, boring, or really only relevant to me and my inner workings, and seriously that stuff doesn't need to be batted around with anyone but my hubby or my extremely tolerant therapist. Yes I have one. I don't call her as often as I should, but she practically works miracles, so I don't *have* to call very often. Anymore. And I haven't actually been to see her in years. Which is a blessing because she's mega expensive. (I'd put your money on some psychological bantering anyway, cause this here blahg is free.)

Anyway, desperately fighting the urge to edit myself, and as the well-trained journalism major and all-around 'way too fucking nice for my own good' type of person, it comes with a great deal of difficulty and a hell of a lot of "no, no, no, don't delete that. damn it, type it again" brain activity. And I'm 'uncensoring' because I realize that lately I haven't had much to say. The posts have been long, but I haven't really *said* anything. I'm way too 'in my head' and I should really just say whatever I want and not give a damn what anyone else thinks about me. Cause it doesn't really matter, and I don't have the time or energy to care.

Also, if you came in search of knitting activity, there is some, but we're not going to be visiting it today. Click a link to the right if pretty stitches call your name. Otherwise, carry on. Or don't. Your choice here doesn't affect me in any way, and therefore doesn't matter to me. And this may or may not get very bizarre and stream-of-conciousness like (more than usual). If you can't keep up, pay better attention.

I've been through and put myself through a lot of shit in the last year. Depression. Anxiety attacks. Insomnia. Gaming addiction. Knitting therapy. Real therapy. Lies. Bullshit. False friends. The list goes on, but those are the high (well, low) points. And yes, a real full fledged gaming addiction. I know, how lame of me. When I got sick of it (and the liars and their bullshit along with know who you are), I found a way to break myself and I did. I don't even think about it anymore, which is a very nice change. And that was a huge step for me. I used to game every single day for hours, as long as I could stand it, until I could barely keep my eyes open. Not really the way I want to remember my life. So much more important things to accomplish. Like figuring out argyle socks. And maybe someday having kids and trying to not be a complete fuck up as a parent.

I used to have a very long list of the shit I would tolerate for the sake of 'understanding' someone or really just in an effort to see/believe the best in people and help them see it in themselves. Now that list is very very very very short. Did I mention very short? Very. I've decided that it's not my job anymore, a self-appointed task mind you, to try to help other people be better versions of themselves. I can't make that happen. Especially when they don't want it. I can only do that for myself. But I do point out to folks when they're being rude disrespectful assholes. A simple"you're being an asshole" works well in certain cases. But sometimes shutting them out and walking away is the best choice. It has a way of saying "you sorry piece of shit" that words just don't express clearly enough. Even a solid "fuck you" is often just met with "surely you're joking", especially when you're normally a very nice and tolerant person, and then you have to go through the long explanation of just how *not* joking you are, and really, my breath, thoughts, and manual dexterity are clearly more valuable.

I'm the type of person who is constantly (ad nauseum even) evaluating and assessing the person I am and want to be, and many times it's a rocky road to tread, leading to indecision and frustration and often chocolate. Sometimes it takes me a while to see the err of my ways, even with the verbal beatings about the head from my friends, but eventually I see where I'm making stupid mistakes and correct them (reference the gaming and the bullshit here). I'm usually a lot quicker than I can even comprehend. Cause I'm smart and junk. Except when I'm not.

And part of me doesn't want other people to know what goes on in my head. My brain spins so fast that I can't even express, much less type, all the other things I've been pondering in the last 30 minutes. But this is *my* blog and I can say whatever I want (it's my party too, so neener). Part of the last few weeks has been spent in self protection mode, only talking to my closest friends, family, and any other people I'm forced to interact with through my job or the places I frequent. It has served me well and helped me heal and develop thicker skin and a more logical attitude, but I can't stay there forever. If I get too comfortable, I might never want to come out again.

So I carry on. I consider all the things I want to do. I make a plan and go accomplish those things. I live and breathe and function as a (hopefully) better person. I keep learning from my mistakes, making adjustments and new decisions, then rebounding from them. I deal with the issues that make me want to hide in dark places or just leave this world entirely. (Don't call me all freaked out, ya'll know I'm way too fucking feisty to be a statistic.)

And now, maybe I'll also open up. Really open up. Cause I have a lot to say that never gets said. And I have a place to put all those things. And I'm tough enough to deal with anyone who gives me shit about it. (That includes you, Ethridge.)

Thus concludes this session of verbal diarrhoea. Oh, my cell number has changed. Should my services be required, send your mail to the addy on my profile.

You may go now.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


It's nice to be blogging again. Even having the thought of 'hmm, that would be fun to share' is refreshing.

During my little break I did a lot of things. For starters, I mostly got my food intake back on track. One of the major things we missed about Athens is the variety of food available, and during those first few weeks we made sure to hit every taco/thai/cuban/indian/ice cream joint we had been jonesing for. Now I'm not eating out nearly as much, and I'm making better choices when I do splurge.

This is my 'back to normal' breakfast. Y.U.M. Fat free cottage cheese, organic strawberries, raspberries and blueberries, and some low fat granola. Mmmmmm. Also makes a good snack. Or dessert. I could eat this multiple times daily.

(On a side note, I'm kinda weird in that I don't really care for matching dishes, so this is the only bowl that i have in this pattern. It makes me very happy in a deep down tingly sort of way. Most of my dishes are asian themed and all but this one have blue in them somewhere. I'm a nut, and I'm ok with that.)

I've been knitting also, obviously. I finished Shedir #2 yesterday. I love this hat so much. And the yarn, Elsbeth Lavold's Silky Wool, is a total joy to work with. In fact, I have a skein of it in black, so I may cast on another one and give this one as a gift. I'll have to think about who it might fit though. I have a tiny head, and very fine hair. On someone else it may look like a beanie. Eww.

As a house warming gift, my mom gave me a small rosemary bush and a pot of African violets. I guess she figured I'd find a way to make them grow. She probably didn't count on the cats eating them first. The second day I had the plants, I took them outside because for my kitties, violets are a delicacy and rosemary is very close to catnip.

Simply having something to grow and a porch to put pretty green things on made me run out to find seeds and cutie little pots. I got two kinds of basil (sweet on the left, and lemon on the right) and I'm going to have to divide and replant both of those very soon. I had no idea how fast they would grow, and from what I've seen at the grocery store, they get MUCH bigger.

I also got cilantro and repotted the rosemary. I'm thinking these will need bigger pots too eventually.

The cats devoured the first set of violets while I wasn't looking, but luckily they seem to like the outdoors (maybe not the hundred degree heat so much) and have found new life. I have about four little stalks of buds like this one.

So precious and promising (and purple! yay purple!). Also, I can make things grow! And sort of come back from the dead! I'm totally a genius.

Last but most certainly not least, I've been taking a few steps toward a new career (to be revealed later), and I'm considering applying to grad school. I have much to read about, learn, and muddle over. I love researching and immersing myself in something I really care about, and it's going to be hard, yet fun.

Just how I like it.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

god save the queen

I've officially retained my title as the Queen of ADR (that's additional dialogue recording, for you non film geeks), as given by E, and proven once again this Saturday as we wrapped up some voice work in his basement for a few scenes from wowgirl where audio magically disappeared, got distorted or just plain sucked. (More on the movie as I have some time this week to write. Ha. Whenever that is.)

I totally rock at being able to recreate cadence, intonation and speed of my lines from when they were filmed, and recording them back to match my lip movement on screen so they sound crystal clear and sometimes better enunciated. I usually get it in one take. (Hence my royalty status.) Which leaves lots of time for karaoke, goofing off and the requisite "aaaaaannnnndddd ttttthhhhhheeeeeeennnnnn?". I also got to do a little acting direction with Nate, i.e. "say it like... less depressy and more reflectivish". Yup, I are a good acting coach.

E said, as we were doing some of the final scenes, that he didn't really like how my character got treated at the end. Short changed even. Not exactly as dynamic as she should have been written. Though we can't exactly go reshoot any of it, maybe we altered the perception of her with different vocalizations. Which is very exciting to me. She was a lot of fun to play, but I had similar feelings while we were shooting.

Doing the ADR work really makes me miss acting. It's such a great outlet for me, and requires so much of my heart, yet makes me feel so alive and energized. Heartbreaking, soul destroying emotional vomiting. And I usually giggle through the tears when I'm done. Or say something like "good god that hurt. wanna do it again?".

Our local theater has already cast the next play, with Karen as the evil Antonia in a musical version of The Tempest. So maybe I'll audition for whatever is next.

And I'm out of energy. Spinning** is my abusive lover, and she has taught me the meaning of pain this week. She's also reminded me of my competitive side, and with instructors who make each class like a real road race, I'm so totally addicted. I must sleep so I can face her again at 5 a.m.

that. is. all.

** this kind of spinning, not this kind.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

it's the end of the world as we know it

...and i feel awesome.

shiny happy. orange crushy. hairshirt-esque.

i am the everything.

and i’ve probably been listening to too much rem.

and afi (miss murder is my new fav song), evanescence (amy lee knows just how to crush my soul, and i let her willingly), dixie chicks (i’m not ready to make nice either!), and system of a down (totally in love, again).
semi-schizophrenic musical choices, and that’s how I like it.

sadly my office is hung up on some radio station that shall not be named.
if i have to hear ‘stairway’ or ‘layla’ one more time (really, three times a day is more than enough), i might choke the next person who walks past me singing either song in absolute mockery of my suffering. that specific coworker (who also shall not be named, but let’s call him "j" just for fun) might be significantly taller and denser than myself, but i think if properly motivated i could manage a good few seconds of airway blockage via my hands around his neck before he casts me off like the wild little animal i will have become under such duress. ahem.

otherwise, things are steady as she goes, lovely, and perfect. i’ve spent the last few weeks working out, hanging out, reading, knitting, and making a few personal decisions and changes. i’ve lost interest in some things and gained newfound love for others. i forced myself to step away from some activities that were sucking the life from me, and frankly, i like the new direction i’ve chosen. i may have a friend or two who disagrees with the changes, but it’s hardly their choice to make, and if they can’t support my efforts to do what’s right for me, they can’t really call themselves my friend. miserable hating-my-life me would have been devastated and willing to do anything to keep said friendship. more normal, happier and balanced me says ‘how sad for you guys...see ya around’.

what a difference a change of perspective makes.

oh. knitting stuff. yeah.

i finished the honeymoon cami. better pictures soon and notes on the changes i made. i ventured into uncharted territory and did a rework on the back to make it a halter instead of a tank. it required math and logic (dear gods) but worked quite nicely.

also working on the so-called scarf when life gets dullish.

and the shedir hat. i'm so slow on this one, but i really have to be in the right mental place for these rounds of cables. (irritated is not one of those places. i'm just sayin.)

and swatching bits of my stash like a mad person for jemima and sizzle.

jemima is getting the debbie bliss cotton angora for certain (yum). teal for the main color, and light blue for the accent parts and button bands.

the verdict on yarn for sizzle is still out. i have a lot of gorgeous yarns that might work, so plenty of excellent potential. there's just the tiny issue of gauge. as ever. i've swatched some knitpicks shine, elann's lara (discontinued i think, but i'm definitely not getting gauge so it's irrelevant), and southwest trading company's Bamboo.

i want the sizzle top to be kind of shiny so i *really* want to use the bamboo, which still looks gorgeous after swatching and washing. well then...i guess i've decided haven't i? despite my misgivings and ignoring all instinct about this yarn (it's slightly scratchy and my stitches look odd to me for some reason), i'm casting on. and there's nothing you can do to stop me. so there.

god i'm stubborn.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

in retrospect...

It’s nice to have a job that is fun, and I’m actually in charge of people and stuff, and not just a chick with a title and no power whatsoever. It’s relaxing to not be micromanaged to the point of total inefficiency. It’s liberating to be given responsibility and then trusted to follow through with it at your own pace, in your own way.

My previous employer, while a great man, was an extreme micromanager and a ‘my way or the highway’ kind of guy. Thus is the influence of the military, I suppose. To say I don’t thrive in that sort of atmosphere would be an understatement. If you weren’t able to predict and anticipate what he needed at any given moment, well, you wouldn’t last very long. Luckily I’m a mind reader. Ok that’s a lie. But I am funny and engaging, and I guess that’s what actually paid my bills, cause I screwed up a lot.

Most of that lead to a certain amount of fear and uncertainty for me, and coupled with the genuine distaste for the town we were in and the attitudes embraced by many of the folks there, you could conclude that I was pretty unhappy. That pronounced and very present sense of instability really took its toll on the way I thought, felt and acted. I felt fear, helplessness, anger, frustration, desperation, and often all those things at once. I constantly looked outside myself for what I thought I needed. Turns out I didn’t need anything I sought after. I just needed to be reminded of who I am.

And being back here reminds me thoroughly, forcefully, plentifully, and beautifully. It’s taken a few weeks, but I realized today that I’m not just back at home. I am back. Me. That hopelessness and desperation made me say and think (and probably do) crazy things. I grasped hold of just about anything I felt like I could have some control over (knitting, working out, gaming, etc), only to watch whatever I thought I had hold on crumble time after time (definition of insanity much?). Which only compounded my need to have something, someone that made me feel safe.

You’d think that my husband would have been the logical choice, but he was going through the same thing and we could hardly comfort ourselves, much less each other. A lesser marriage could have gotten very, very ugly. Thankfully, we’re both smart and we don’t do stupid things to hurt each other when we’re down (or ever actually). And we tell each other literally everything, and god, good communication is really the key to what makes us work so well. I’m really so lucky to have found such an incredible guy.

Thanks so much to all my friends who tried to help while I was in crazy/unhappy/paranoid/thinking-in-circles mode. I know I probably said some stupid shit. Thanks for loving me anyway. And for constantly trying to remind me of who I am (I mean Karen, Pete, and Joey specifically here…I love you guys).

Monday, June 19, 2006

dazed and confused

Dazed from being sick (yes again) and the intake of drugs that are *supposed* to make me feel somewhat normal, only to actually make me feel like a crazy person. Well, moreso than usual. I can do crazy just fine all by my self, thank you very much DayQuil. Confused because feeling completely out of it will do that to a girl. There was a lot of "where are we going again?" and "ok, now WHY are we doing this?". Ya'll know.

Thankfully I have a sweet hubby who kicks ass and makes a killer soup and takes me to the ER when I need a doctor on a Saturday afternoon. He'll be 30.5 on Friday, so Karen and I are throwing him a party. Shhh, it's a surprise. Did I mention that I absolutely and completely suck at surprises? Really. I do. It's sad.

The lovely Karen also seems to think I'm a super hero of sorts. Let's try and keep my true identity a little better hidden shall we, love? Damn. There I go, sucking at surprises again. Ah well.

Be forewarned that I come armed with turkey sandwiches and yarn.

Fear me.