Churning

Cheryl and I got a fun inspiration this morning. Nate had been following some links online since he likes to find great new recipes and he came across this site. He shared the link with me, I shared the link with her, and we raced to the grocery store in search of organic heavy cream and some adventure.

We bought two cups (4 half pint cartons) of organic heavy cream and got started. We poured all four containers into the food processor and after about two minutes we had whipped cream!

Then we realized that we weren't going to get very far without a mixer, so we switched to a hand mixer. After a few minutes we got a slightly chunkier texture.


Then after about 5 more minutes of steady mixing, it suddenly happened. We had butter curds and buttermilk (which I was so fascinated by that I forgot to get a picture)! Here's the straining process...

And here's the resulting buttermilk! Nate's going to make biscuits this week. YUM.

Then we divided the butter into four balls, squeezed out the remaining milk and rinsed with cold water which supposedly helps it keep longer. This whole process took 10-15 minutes and was SUPER easy! I highly recommend trying it!

Next we cut herbs and mixed them into the four butter balls.

Sage:

Rosemary:

Fresh garlic:

And plain salted:


I will definitely be doing this again - in fact, I might never buy butter again. It's that good! I'd like to do a bit more experimentation and find the best blends of herbs and give little herbed butter balls at Christmas!

If you want to try this all you need is heavy cream, a mixer and a big bowl, and some herbs. Mix, add in herbs, then roll in wax or parchment paper and enjoy!

GO VOTE!

Hi all! I know I've been a very negligent blogger, but not without good reason. I'm also switching from bloglines, which got WAY overcrowded for me, to google reader so hopefully I'll be able to keep up with blogs better now.

I'm still taking two grad classes, teaching a knitting class, and volunteering for Obama. I tried to squeeze in a half-marathon training too, but that quickly fell by the wayside. Instead I'm going run the 5k that day with Nate and our nieces. We'll have so much fun, but those girls are running cross country now and they're going to SMOKE us. I'm also dyeing yarn for the Big Ass Yarn Club (first shipment goes out this week!) and also for another sock club. Yes, I'm crazy. Nate helps out by making dinner and cleaning around the house so that I don't go completely insane. Clutter makes me nuts all by itself!

Needless to say, my knitting is falling through the cracks right now. But I'm working on a scarf because I'm an addict and I MUST get my fix.


It's the Purl scarf (Ravelry link) from Last Minute Knitted Gifts (love that book, this is my second Purl scarf) and I'm using Malabrigo in Damask, some sparkly Aura yarn that I dyed (not the color linked - more of a raspberry pink), and Rowan Kid Silk Night in a baby pink. Yes, I'm allergic to mohair. No, I don't care.

There is also possibly a sweater on the needles, but I'm a little too busy to photograph it. My hope is that it will be done by SAFF so I can wear it that weekend (Oct 25th) but erm...that might be ambitious considering everything else.

So, on to the subject of this post! You might not have noticed but I'm kinda politically active. Just a smidge though. I'm opinionated too. Anyway, if your state allows early voting, GO TAKE ADVANTAGE. Georgia has already had half a million people vote and there are still 8 days left! In my county alone 15% of all registered voters have done their civic duty and our Board of Elections sees 500 people EVERY DAY. I know cause I asked when I voted today. Crazy, eh?

I'm going out on Nov. 4th to my precinct's polling place and to the BOE to take pictures and see how crazy it's going to be. I'm a big nerd and I LOVE election day, but I don't really want to stand in line.

So if you're able, go vote!!! If for no other reason than to spare yourself the headache of standing in line! :) It's too important not to!

oh y'all, i ramble a lot...

I am just teetering on the edge of insanity. It's a bit thrilling and also a little scary.

Because of all the things I'm trying to do at once (work, grad work, dyeing yarn like mad, volunteering for Obama, and sort of having a life sometimes), I'm being firmly reminded that my time management skills...um...well...they suck. I'd much rather read Ravelry or watch tv or knit than do actual work. So I've found a new best friend...


and here is a taste of my week...(it could be worse, but it's rough for someone who is used to 3 hour naps after work)


I did today's work so I'm chilling with the hubby, knitting, and watching a Kevin Smith DVD. A girl needs some dirty comedy now and again.

And next week, there's this...


Oh yay, I get to pay taxes again. I also need a haircut and we need to have some dude come out and tackle our treacherous lawn. He drove by the other day and stopped to give us a card. Nate went out and talked to him and when he came back in he said "what do you think was the give away that our lawn needs help? the 12 foot weeds coming up the hill?" Um. Yeah. If it were a flat yard, this would not be a problem. But it's a fairly serious hill and we....are lazy. I guess everyone has their 'thing' they don't like doing. Ours is yard work. And housework. And anything else that ends in work.

p.s. I have NO birthday plans. I'm so boring. Suggestions welcome. We tried to get tickets to see the Raconteurs in Atlanta but it's sold the fuck out. Grr.

We *have* worked up the guts to ride our bikes to work a few days a week though. The first time was last Friday and it was an experience. We bought some panniers for my bike and loaded up our work clothes, shoes, and random work stuff and took off. We were prepared for the hills. We were prepared for the scary bridge with no bike path and rude drivers. We were not prepared for the extra weight of the panniers and my lack of a decent breakfast. Big mistake. I barely made it up the last hill and when I got off the bike I was laughing, but not in a haha funny way, in a maniacal 'i think i might die now and i'm prolly gonna take you with me' way. Good times.

Today was much better. Less weight and better food in my belly for the work. The trip back is almost all uphill, but making it home feels so good. Then I stretch and shower and thank the heavens that I lived.

So, being busy kinda blows, but it beats being bored and I'm learning to multitask better than ever while working on cleansing my procrastination gene. I've had to give some things up too, including voice lessons and the 365 project, but it's for the best right now. Streamlining is good, as is being forced to do things when they need to get done. Amazing concept.

Hopefully I'll be able to blog more now that I'm so super organized. I'll definitely have a sneak peak of the Big Ass Yarn Club shipments at the very least. Those of you who are in the club - it looks awesome and I'm more than halfway done with the first shipment. I'm dyeing extra skeins for me cause I must have a scarf out of this stuff.

Is this thing on?

OH HI!

I did *not* fall off the face of the earth, but it does kinda feel like I'm a few feet under and trying to dig out! I've been a bit of a hermit in certain areas (like not reading blogs - sorry y'all) and a little too prolific in other areas (hi plurk and ravelry and politics - let us not discuss it, i'm on an even keel today). Whoops. Work and school, teaching and dyeing - they're all fighting for control of my time, but I'm staying on top...mostly.

Maybe I can distract y'all from my slackerness with some YARN! I bought some new dyes last week and played around a little while working on Big Ass Yarn Club colorways.

Speak Easy - Herby green, eggplant purple, and a turquoise that goes from bright to light blue.
When I go to my happy place, these are the colors I tend to see lately.


Falling Away With You - my new favorite fall mix of colors. Pumpkin, plum, gold, and an earthy, brownish green.

Edge of the Deep Green Sea - two of my favorite new dyes together. A bright peacocky turquoise, which is not coming through very accurately here, and a dark forest green.


These will be up on Etsy in the next few hours!

Now that work and grad school have taken over my life, dyeing has become a real fun, creative outlet again! I love being inspired and I think the season change helps with that too. Summer's just too damn hot to be standing over a stove going 'hmm, what should I dye today?'.


In other news Nate and I will start riding our bikes to work for a couple of days next week. I am so nervous and excited all at once. It's not a super long ride (5 miles), but it's very hilly and sometimes drivers are assholes. Some stretches of street don't have bike lanes and whew that scares me. I'm excited about it though because at this point the only way for me to get exercise is to do it in the morning and um...that's not happening. If I make it my mode of transportation, I'll have no choice. We'll see how long I can make it last.


I hope you all are having a great September! Keep 9/11 in your hearts tomorrow and hug your loved ones.

(p.s. I'm going to see the Raconteurs at Variety Playout on my birthday (10/1) - anyone in the ATL wanna go?)

*big hugs*

Subscription Buttons are UP!

Oh look, it's Friday! YAY!

Subscription buttons for the Big Ass Yarn Club are up on the sidebar! ---->



Happy Friday everyone!!

first rule of yarn club...

Y'all. What a couple of weeks! After a month and a half of Deadsville at work, things are ramping up again very quickly. Nothing like a Monday slap in the face with a pile of work and loads of student questions. Not that I mind, it's just shocking. Last week I was the only person in the building after 3 p.m. and it was slow times. This week is in hyperdrive, heading toward Ludicrous Speed. I'm waiting for things to go plaid.

I start Instructional Design and Development graduate classes on Monday. Yay for a big title after my name when I'm done! "Instructional Designer". Sounds serious. And important. I'm excited (for the classes, not the title :P). So Mondays and Wednesdays I'll be in class after work, then on Tuesdays I'll be teaching knitting at the yarn store from 6-8. Busy. Little. Bee. I'll also be dyeing up yarn for the next club - see below!

For an uber-quick knitting update, I've finished the Shetland Triangle (rav links to my pictures) and I'm about half way through Hey Teach for the Ravelympics. I've cast on for the Bellatrix socks but they're starting to look like something I'd never wear so I'm reconsidering.

Last weekend I went to a great baby shower (congrats, Erin!) with LOADS of people and kids and yummy food. April and Herschel hosted - they are awesome, as is their little girl Paisley - love that name! p.s. Herschel, you too can be an internet celebrity. Carry on.


One last thing. (i'm really good at wrapping up two weeks of life into a couple of little paragraphs, no?) Last night Nate and I and some friends saw Gnarls Barkley at the 40 Watt. What a fun show!




And now for the club info!!!!!

I’m opening sign ups for The Big Ass Yarn Club on Friday, August 15^th! I'll close sign ups September 15th or whenever the club is full.

With this club you’ll be getting three monthly shipments (mid October, November, and December) of TWO big skeins of handdyed yarn. By the end you'll have two each of a superwash worsted, an alpaca worsted, and a superwash BULKY yarn. No skinny yarn here! And plenty of yardage for a big scarf, a hat and mitten set, or huge fluffy socks! Each shipment is $30 plus priority shipping and I'll have paypal buttons on the side bar on Friday so you can sign up right here.

I'll have two buttons again - one for the full amount of the club and one for three monthly installments. If you didn't participate in the Punk Rock Sock Club, and you sign up for the Big Ass Yarn Club, please shoot me an email with your name and shipping address. Digging through paypal for addresses last time was a nightmare so I created a database to make my life a little easier!

Thanks for playing along!!

how about a real update?

Thanks for all the nice comments on the Central Park Hoodie! I really love it.

The last few weeks have been relatively stressful and my way of dealing with that stress is by doing as little as possible. Except the knitting and rampant tv watching, of course. I've been doing lots of that.

I have made a few life-altering decisions though, amist all of my 'doing nothing' and 'addictive thinking' and 'obsessive knitting'.

Here's a little rundown:

1. I've started training with Cheryl for a half marathon in November. I am officially insane.

2. I got a new bike with some of our stimulus money and once I'm totally confident in my riding skills and have tried the route a few times I'll be riding to work a few days a week. More evidence of my insanity.



3. I've grown tired of morning and afternoon sugar crashes (nutella smothered bagels will do that to you) so I'm trying the GI diet to see if I can help myself stave off diabetes and fatness. It's not very different from the competition diets I did a few years back so I know I can do it.

4. I've just signed up for Ravelympics and I'm doing THREE projects in 17 days. Bellatrix, Shetland Triangle and Hey,Teach. WTF am I thinking?!? Maybe this is a very dumb idea.

5. After many years of irritation I'm considering having my tonsils removed. When I'm sick, 90% of the time my throat is related and my tonsils are HUGE. I also get tonsil stones (do NOT click if you're squeamish - apologies for the extreme grossness) and they're a little painful and seriously nasty. Surgery scares the crap out of me because I visualize all the things they'll do to me while I'm out and it's hopefully much worse than reality. If insurance will cover it I'm going to look into the laser surgery. Less painful, but I'll also be awake. EEEEEK.

I think that's enough for now...

Hope your Monday is a good one!

Central Park Hoodie, part 2

After being finished with the knitting for a little over a week, I've finally sewn on the buttons and completed the second Central Park Hoodie. And I *love* it. So soft and smooshy! I didn't even hate knitting the hood, and I was so sure I would.


Pattern: Central Park Hoodie
Yarn: Cascade Sierra (8 skeins)
Needle Size: US 6
Size Made: 40" bust


Usually I would make a size 36, but since this is cotton and not likely to stretch too much I knit the size 40 and used the US 6 needled throughout rather than switch to a larger needle for the body. I knit the body in one piece to the shoulders then knit the sleeves and set them in. The buttons are "reproduction vintage" that I found at JoAnn's.


Cool, eh?

I'm so pleased with the sizing. It's roomy enough and warm enough to really serve as a jacket for me, with room for a light sweater or heavy shirt underneath, which is usually all we really need around these parts. Yay for happily finished projects!!

p.s. you can sort of tell here - i got my hair cut super short again and it's very pixie-esque. i went to etsy and found this awesome seller and bought a few new funky hair clips for my cute little hair cut.

wanna see? (these are her pics, not mine)



Love!!

YAY!

YAY!
Originally uploaded by LotusKnitter

I'm posting this from flickr just to see how it works out. Looks like I'll be a grad student again :D

purple tuesday

I went back to the salon today. My purple highlights didn't take very well and they kinda went away. But now I have magenta/purpley colors so it's all good.

Plus, they gave me wine.


I guess I have a sort of purple fetish going on right now. I bought these shoes this week:


I think they have badass potential. Also I am a whore for some shoes. There. I said it.

This week I'm working on the last bit of the sock club and some new colorways for the shop. I maybe went a little purple crazy there too. I made some choices about new yarns to carry as well, but you won't see them until the fall!

On Friday I'll be seaming the shoulders and sleeves on the dread CPH. I really hate seaming/sewing. Really, really hate it. It's threatening to stop my progress. Blerg. I figure if I seam the shoulders now the sleeves will be easier and then I'll go ahead and pick up stitches for the button bands to get the misery over and done with. And it was moving so quickly...

purple haired freak

I love pay day. This time I got my hair all purpled up. Well actually, it's black with subtle purple highlights. So subtle you can't even see them inside, which is perfect for work, but get me out in the sunlight and everyone around me starts doing double-takes. I'm totally in love with my new hair guy. He's straight, cute, tattooed, plays in a band, and just generally rocks.


Thursday, after the dye job: Boo. It's really impossible to photograph and looks more reddish brown here.

And inside, it's just black again.

Thursday night: Karen and I at 31 Flavors (see? it's really black!). Coffee ice cream makes for blurry pics.



I also stopped by the MAC counter again and got some yummy new eyeshadows. Beauty Marked is a dark black with red sparkles and Satin Taupe is a shimmery dark brown. I had a really hard time deciding what I wanted, cause I kinda wanted all of it.

This weekend was a bit nutty. Saturday consisted of an early morning blackberry picking party, IKEA, a wholesale yarn drop, and a pool party. Then Nate and I put my new computer desk together, which is similar but not exactly like the pic I posted last week. The top is the same but IKEA doesn't sell the white tressle legs anymore so I got bookcase-esque things. Pictures soon. We also got new dressers like Pam's (thanks for the idea!!), a new end table, and a metric shit ton of stuff to hang on the walls. Again, pictures soon.

Sunday was also insane but in a different way. A huge storm blew threw town and caused power outages everywhere. Lightening struck our neighbor's tree, which knocked it down and into the power lines, ripping the power lines and meter off her house. The power lines and pole collapsed and caught fire, which caused another pole to snap in half and also catch fire. Good times. So our power was went out for 6 hours just as I was about to dye yarn. Boo. If I had been a good blogger I would have raced over and taken pics, but I was a little afraid of the live electricity on the ground and thought maybe my life was worth more than a photo of poles on fire. Sorry.

One more thing: I started the 365 project today, woo! I joined a few flickr groups and added today's pic - my big eyeball.


I might be a little sleepy and in need of eyebrown maintenance.


(p.s. Happy birthday, Pete!!! You're not old, you're vintage!)

New Yarn Options?

I've been looking at adding to my yarn bases lately, so I've begged for samples from a few places and some packs arrived today so I wanted to share with you guys! I got about 10 samples, but I picked the nicest and/or most practical choices. I like to try to stick with superwash yarns for ease of care, but two of the three choices are NOT superwash, so keep that in mind if it's something that's an issue. Let me know if any of these appeal to you! I'm not going to do a poll (way too tired tonight for that), so please leave a comment real quick with a yay or nay vote for each one.

#1 100% Superwash Merino, Bulky weight, 120 yds. This yarn is really soft and squishy. The twist is not super tight, which allows for some of that softness and I can already imagine it being an absolute dream to dye and knit with.


#2 60% Suri Alpaca/40% Merino, Worsted weight, 220 yds. Um. This is the first thing I pulled out of the box because my knitter sense went WILD. No wonder what with all that alpaca! Also very soft, but a little furry thanks to the alpaca content. I'd wear it though. And drool all over it.

#3 70% Merino/30% Cotton, Bulky weight, 170 yds. I'm not 100% sure about this one. The cotton ply makes the twist a bit uneven. It's cool looking though. It's soft and lofty, but I'm betting that the cotton strand that's plied with the wool isn't going to dye, so it might be...interesting looking. I'll dye up a snip and see. I'm open to it if y'all like it!


I'm still on the look out for a different fingering wool/nylon blend, but I'm pretty happy with the Louet fingering and I'll be offering their sport weight as soon as they have more in. I'm not quite as wild about their heavier weights because the twist is just SO tight to me. I've found a superwash worsted that I'm happy with, so I didnt' post it, but you'll see it soon enough. I'll probably dye up the occasional bulky or worsted for the shop, but I'm thinking they might just be optional bases for custom orders.

Input, please! Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

pretty new friends

Oh hi! This is the first post from my new iMac. I *love love love* it. So much so that I don't want to download anything or create documents or even upload pictures. I want it all pretty in its pristine-ness for as long as possible. But since I have to break its cherry at some point, have a looksee!

It comes out of the box like they made it at Ikea. Flat keyboard, itty mouse and remote, cord and computer. Plug it in and go. One must make room for the requisite kitteh towels though so they can enjoy right along side. Molly approves. As much as she can approve of anything.

It's so shiny and pretty, I just want to pet it. The only negative here is the desk. The comp is too high for me at the top and too close to me at the bottom. I'm going to IKEA soon to have a look around. I'm thinking this desk would rock my socks.

Drool.

Oh! Also, my CPH is coming along. I'll be starting on the left front this evening, then the sleeves when I finish that. It fits perfectly too, at least according to my crazy try-on attempt. This project makes me so happy and I've no idea why. Maybe because it grows fast.


I'll also be dyeing some yarn for the shop this week. It's been way too long. I have some new fiber samples coming soon so I'll have some questions for y'all about what new yarns you'd like to see. I'm looking for a different wool/nylon base and a few other things, so your opinion will mean a lot. Look for pictures and a poll soon!

p.s. If you're a music whore like me, check out Musicovery. I like Pandora a lot, but this site fucking rocks. Set it to dark and calm and have an emo boo-hoo fest, or set it to energetic and light and kick ass through a workout. L.O.V.E.

Yummy Weekend

It's always amazing to me how quickly weekends, holidays, and sick days can fly by, but work days, even when you enjoy what you do, can just drag on and on and on. I know this happens to everybody, but it always catches me off guard when it's suddenly Sunday night and I still have a ton of things to do to prepare myself for Monday. Thanks for sneaking up on me again, Monday. Love you.

This weekend was not quite as busy as the last, but I still managed to dye, wind, and package a ton of yarn for the Sock Club that's going out hopefully tomorrow, sell and package and ship my extremely heavy sewing/embroidery machine and all its accessories (YAY!), work on the Central Park Hoodie, and make a delicious meal that will feed us all week.

Meet Risotto with Wild Mushrooms and Peas from Tyler Florence's Real Kitchen cookbook. And my glass of Pinot Grigio. Yum. It was so good I had two.


A few years back Nate and I got into a routine of trying out recipes from the cookbooks we bought and making sure to only buy a book if it had a recipe we were POSITIVE we would make. This book is one of our favorites, along with Tyler's Eat This Book. We got incredibly lucky and found about five recipes that became instant favorites. This risotto is one of them.

Now, I don't really do mushrooms. I took some pretty heavy hitting botany classes in college and I have a healthy respect for fungi. I don't feel as though it belongs in my body (in general). However. This dish is so good, it was hard for me not to eat some for breakfast this morning. Granted, I do have to pick out the more obvious, larger mushrooms (portobello) since they don't cook down enough for me to wrap my brain around putting them in my mouth, but the sauce, peas and cheese make me so happy.

On the knitting front, I got to the armhole section on the CPH last week and I'm now working the fronts and back separately, which is kinda confusing at the moment, but I'll figure it all out.

"As the Knitting Grows." Would make a great soap opera title, eh?

I'm also working on a few swatch/shop samples for my LYS, Main Street Yarns and Fibers and making technique swatches for the knitting class I'm teaching this month. FUN! The best part is that I get to work with new yarn and knit little things I might not make for myself. Whee!

Have a great Monday!

The Blame-it-on-everyone-else Cardigan

I took lots of pictures this weekend when I wasn't dyeing yarn that I can't show you, knitting, cleaning my bathrooms, throwing old stuff out, steam cleaning a chair, moving said chair up two flights of stairs, putting together a gym, playing WoW, and otherwise dealing with the ridiculous heat. I might have been a little busy.

I also might have ripped out some projects I can't bring myself to finish.

Lenore. (Sorry, Madge.) I love this yarn, love the pattern (not that I was doing the pattern stitches on the foot, but still), and yet I just can't work on teeny tiny yarn with teeny tiny needles right now. So I didn't rip, but I carefully stowed away for another day so it would stop staring at me from my knitting bag.


Socks I hadn't really started yet, with some Lorna's Laces in the Grumperina colorway. Same reason as the Lenores. The yarn is sooooo teeny. But soooo pretty. Another day.


I did NOT rip this pair. The yarn is Blue Moon's Little Bunny FooFoo in the medium weight (ahhh so nice). I've been trying new things with this pair of socks so I couldn't just rip them. I might put them away for a while instead.


Hello, short row garter stitch heel! So comfy. I learned this heel method in Lucy Neatby's class and it's so much faster and simpler than a heel flap.



As you can see, these are toe-up and I have so much yarn that I think they're going to be knee highs. I'll be working on these for a while. Love the way the colors are knitting up! No pooling! (It's all about the number of stitches cast on, seriously. When I do the increases for my calves I'll probably be singing a different tune.)


Instead of socks, I'll be knitting on this pretty regularly. I blame y'all since y'all were right, of course, so I finally cast on for the CPH in Cascade Sierra.


I started with the 36 bust size and about 3 inches into the ribbing I remembered that cotton doesn't stretch like wool does and that I'd had to make a rather large button band for my first CPH because it wouldn't close even with a fair bit of blocking. So I ripped and recast on the 40 bust size. It will be big, but I'm cool with that. Better big and comfy than too small.

I'm knitting the back and both fronts at the same time. Somewhat slow going (god I hate to purl big long rows), but hey, no seaming!

I'm about two more cable repeats beyond this. If all goes well I'll be finished with this by July. Sure it will be too damn hot to wear it, but I'll admire it (and pet it) and wait impatiently for October to roll around again.

It's refreshing to actually see some progress after an hour's worth of knitting! You guys were soooo right. I love this sweater.

SQUEE!!!!!!!

YAY!

It's official. We're going to DC for the inauguration!!!!!!!! See my pretty hotel up there? It's less than a mile from the White House and the Mall.

Somebody pinch me. Holy shit.

On to fight another day

Thanks so much for all the love, emails, comments and general good thoughts. Venting and talking with y'all made me feel so much better. It's good to know you're not alone in rough times, eh?

I've had an entire Tragic Cherry Woe Cake and it looks like I'm going to live. See?


I'm currently enjoying some chocolate from Germany (a gift from our graduate exchange student this year - she rules) and it's super rich and kind of hard to eat, but still very good. I'm sure I'll manage to choke it down.


Nom.

And then this little guy smiles at me every day...

Oh hi, I'm a cute little Pokemon.

And of course I'm listening to some great music on Pandora. Makes for happy times.

I brought a list of things that will make me happy to work with me today and so I'll be learning about my camera and knitting if I can ever stop being picky and just choose a project to cast on. If I hadn't already made the Central Park Hoodie, I'd have cast on today, but I'd like to do something different and yet I want another CPH. Oh, the drama. So I'm searching Ravelry in vain when in reality I should cast on the damn CPH and be done with it. Gosh.

Hope everyone's doing well this Tuesday. I'm going to indulge in something gross and greasy for lunch, but I'll work it off later (hopefully).

Blerg (a somewhat lame whinefest...please bring cheese)

(ok. what follows is kinda emotional and sad and i don't do that often. or ever, probably. feel free to skip it entirely. do not, however, tell me to find jesus. done. not interested, but thanks. i'm human, and maybe not as nutty as i might sound. i'm hoping i feel better just by typing all this. scroll to the next post for knitting!)

I'm feeling way antisocial lately. It sucks. Because at the same time I wish I could just sit down with someone and turn off my filters and totally be myself and fucking vent. About whatever. I don't do that very often anymore except with Nate and he's awesome but we both know we can't be everything for each other. That's what friends and therapists are for. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I should probably just call my therapist, but that costs money. Blerg. And I don't do it here because...well, generally that's not what folks come here for. And it's my choice not to totally expose myself and be unedited all the time (or at all). I've experienced the ramifications and it's rarely fun. But fuck it, I feel like shit and I want to talk about it. If you don't like it, move on.

Usually I keep my emotions in check because it can be so easy for me to just *feel* everything. Everything I'm dealing with AND stuff people around me are dealing with. Sometimes it's overwhelming. I have to tune out and disconnect because I can't stand being so open and susceptible to other people and sometimes myself. This is exactly why I don't watch movies that make me cry. It's hard for me to recover. Like today I just sat on the floor and cried for about an hour. For no good reason. I had this visual of lying on a cold stone floor in a cave drawing circles with my fingers and feeling very numb. Kinda random but accurate. It's like I let one teeny tiny thing in and the whole fucking world collapsed. And now I have to dig myself out and rebuild and junk. Stupid metaphors.

I can't imagine how hard it would have been for me to really pursue acting. It's hard enough just to deal with myself some days. How horrible would it have been to have to live with a fucked up character for 3 months or more? I would have had to have therapy just to stay sane. And to stay myself. It's way too easy to get lost in someone else. I think that's what ultimately kept me away. The fear of losing myself.

It's the same way with voice lessons. I feel SO completely exposed. So I try to be perfect, then I'm told that it's ok to make mistakes so I can learn from them. But uh...no it's not ok, cause here I am, totally exposed AND sucking. Sure some of that is the perfectionist in me, but most of it is about being completely raw and out there. Thanks, but that's what walls are for.

Maybe that cave is not such a bad place. I feel like I'm missing something in my life right now, but I've no clue what it could be. Maybe I've just been disconnected for too long.

Finally finished!

Oh hi. I have a new teeny tiny camera and I'm learning how to use it. The one I had from a few years ago was *impossible* and awful (Nikon something or other). I'm so glad I have a good one now (Canon Powershot SD1100). LOVE it. I'll still use my Rebel for yarn and other things, but this camera fits into my purse a lot better for every day camera needs. Like when I need to catch people doing something completely stupid. Or I'm just bored.

So I finished the Lelah Top while at the beach last weekend. Other than random sock knitting it's ALL the knitting I did the entire time, and I only had to finish the straps. So lazy.

Hi. I'm blurry sometimes.

I freaking love this top. Sure I had to rip and reknit three times to get the lace part long enough and then I got impatient and had to rework the boob section twice, but it was so worth it. I want to wear this thing every day. I used about 3 balls of Rowan Calmer by the end because of the lengthening and the straps, otherwise I would have stuck to my 2 ball projection. I found a brown ribbon at Michaels and wove it through tonight so I could go out and show off. I should probably block it, but eh, whatever.


Love!