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Sunday, June 01, 2008

Blerg (a somewhat lame whinefest...please bring cheese)

(ok. what follows is kinda emotional and sad and i don't do that often. or ever, probably. feel free to skip it entirely. do not, however, tell me to find jesus. done. not interested, but thanks. i'm human, and maybe not as nutty as i might sound. i'm hoping i feel better just by typing all this. scroll to the next post for knitting!)

I'm feeling way antisocial lately. It sucks. Because at the same time I wish I could just sit down with someone and turn off my filters and totally be myself and fucking vent. About whatever. I don't do that very often anymore except with Nate and he's awesome but we both know we can't be everything for each other. That's what friends and therapists are for. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I should probably just call my therapist, but that costs money. Blerg. And I don't do it here because...well, generally that's not what folks come here for. And it's my choice not to totally expose myself and be unedited all the time (or at all). I've experienced the ramifications and it's rarely fun. But fuck it, I feel like shit and I want to talk about it. If you don't like it, move on.

Usually I keep my emotions in check because it can be so easy for me to just *feel* everything. Everything I'm dealing with AND stuff people around me are dealing with. Sometimes it's overwhelming. I have to tune out and disconnect because I can't stand being so open and susceptible to other people and sometimes myself. This is exactly why I don't watch movies that make me cry. It's hard for me to recover. Like today I just sat on the floor and cried for about an hour. For no good reason. I had this visual of lying on a cold stone floor in a cave drawing circles with my fingers and feeling very numb. Kinda random but accurate. It's like I let one teeny tiny thing in and the whole fucking world collapsed. And now I have to dig myself out and rebuild and junk. Stupid metaphors.

I can't imagine how hard it would have been for me to really pursue acting. It's hard enough just to deal with myself some days. How horrible would it have been to have to live with a fucked up character for 3 months or more? I would have had to have therapy just to stay sane. And to stay myself. It's way too easy to get lost in someone else. I think that's what ultimately kept me away. The fear of losing myself.

It's the same way with voice lessons. I feel SO completely exposed. So I try to be perfect, then I'm told that it's ok to make mistakes so I can learn from them. But it's not ok, cause here I am, totally exposed AND sucking. Sure some of that is the perfectionist in me, but most of it is about being completely raw and out there. Thanks, but that's what walls are for.

Maybe that cave is not such a bad place. I feel like I'm missing something in my life right now, but I've no clue what it could be. Maybe I've just been disconnected for too long.