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Monday, October 30, 2006

i can't sleep

i woke up this morning unable to move. at some point in the night the muscles in my neck seized up and it hurt so much i couldn't even turn over. after several muscle relaxers, muscle creams and a heating pad, it feels better, but not enough to let me sleep.

i'm also a bit depressed, and i can't put my finger on why. i'm doing so well right now, with the whole grad school thing and looking at houses and my insomnia has greatly diminished, so i can't figure out what's bugging me. and i hate a mystery. surprises too. i like to know what's going on so much that it almost makes me obsessive after an answer. growing up, it was almost impossible for my parents to surprise me at christmas. i can hunt down a stocking stuffer like no one else. and if it's a person i'm trying to figure out, god help them. i develop a weird stalkeresque vibe and i dig and dig and dig until i find what i'm looking for. then i just retreat back into my head and contemplate what the world means with my new-found information. i can't stand being left in the dark, or worse, lied to...that just makes me want to know more and dig harder. but at the end of the day, i just want to know what's going on.

so maybe it's that in the last few weeks i've gotten a lot of messages on my myspace account from guys i used to date, with the usual wording being 'hey stranger! what's up? how ya been?'. the immediate response in my head is along the lines of 'you dumped me in college and you wanna know how the fuck i am?!? don't make me get shitty with you, asshole' and 'i dumped you and i still remember why, and i still have nothing to say'. old friends are great to hear from, but someone who wouldn't return my phone calls can fuck off. still, i can't help but wonder what the hell they're thinking. they're probably losing their hair and having early midlife crises.

ok i just stubbed my toe and cut my foot open. i think it's time to attempt sleep again. maybe.