so, anyways...

I promised there would be knitting, and there is.

I give you exhibit A:



I found this chart for argyle (aarrrrgyle!) socks, and I had to see if I could figure out intarsia enough to make a pair for myself (why yes, I can as a matter of fact). And any other person in my life who laughed out loud upon viewing that chart. Laughing in a "haha! I must have those!" sort of way, not a "haha, but ok that's extraordinarily lame" way. It's ridiculously oversized because I grabbed some cotton Peaches n Cream from my MDK dishcloth stash and tried out the chart and the technique on a grander scale. I did not have the suggested red and gray accent colors, so I went with the pink and green from said stash for a bit of a punk pirate effect. My jolly roger digs the Misfits. Rawr. I mean arrrr. (Blame Johnny Depp, he really is forcing my hand here.)

Exhibit B is my So Called Scarf, with the pretty plum yarn and is almost completed. The wool is kind of scratchy, so I find myself knitting a few rows and then switching to something else. That or I'm tired of it already. Or lazy. Those excuses are not mutually exclusive of course.

Exhibit C is...well...hmm. I'm working on Sizzle, sort of. I cast on the first time, worked a few rows and then measured it. Not wide enough. No matter how many times I swatched and thought I got gauge, I really didn't. Also, my body is shaped differently than the pattern's author (shorter torso, wider hips), and I'd rather knit it in the round anyway. So I measured myself where I want the bottom to hit, reswatched for gauge, did the math (bleh), and cast on the right amount of stitches. I've knit a few rows since then. I think I have Post Math Stress Syndrome or something. I just can't bear to pick it up again. I know it's only a little addition and a touch of multiplication, and I *have* a calculator for god's sake, but something about it stresses me out. Pics eventually, should I somehow find time to knit more, and stop working 6 days a week (not likely anytime soon).

On a completely unrelated topic: I've run into the exhubby TWICE now. Clearly he doesn't understand the whole "this is my side of town, and that's your side" philsophy. Or we still have a few random things in common. Like driving. And eating.

attack of verbosity

Here I sit. Again. Thinking about posting, cause wow there's a LOT of crap in my head that really wants to come out, but as ever, I've censored it. Some of it is lame, stupid, ridiculous, boring, or really only relevant to me and my inner workings, and seriously that stuff doesn't need to be batted around with anyone but my hubby or my extremely tolerant therapist. Yes I have one. I don't call her as often as I should, but she practically works miracles, so I don't *have* to call very often. Anymore. And I haven't actually been to see her in years. Which is a blessing because she's mega expensive. (I'd put your money on some psychological bantering anyway, cause this here blahg is free.)

Anyway, desperately fighting the urge to edit myself, and as the well-trained journalism major and all-around 'way too fucking nice for my own good' type of person, it comes with a great deal of difficulty and a hell of a lot of "no, no, no, don't delete that. damn it, type it again" brain activity. And I'm 'uncensoring' because I realize that lately I haven't had much to say. The posts have been long, but I haven't really *said* anything. I'm way too 'in my head' and I should really just say whatever I want and not give a damn what anyone else thinks about me. Cause it doesn't really matter, and I don't have the time or energy to care.

Also, if you came in search of knitting activity, there is some, but we're not going to be visiting it today. Click a link to the right if pretty stitches call your name. Otherwise, carry on. Or don't. Your choice here doesn't affect me in any way, and therefore doesn't matter to me. And this may or may not get very bizarre and stream-of-conciousness like (more than usual). If you can't keep up, pay better attention.

I've been through and put myself through a lot of shit in the last year. Depression. Anxiety attacks. Insomnia. Gaming addiction. Knitting therapy. Real therapy. Lies. Bullshit. False friends. The list goes on, but those are the high (well, low) points. And yes, a real full fledged gaming addiction. I know, how lame of me. When I got sick of it (and the liars and their bullshit along with it...you know who you are), I found a way to break myself and I did. I don't even think about it anymore, which is a very nice change. And that was a huge step for me. I used to game every single day for hours, as long as I could stand it, until I could barely keep my eyes open. Not really the way I want to remember my life. So much more important things to accomplish. Like figuring out argyle socks. And maybe someday having kids and trying to not be a complete fuck up as a parent.

I used to have a very long list of the shit I would tolerate for the sake of 'understanding' someone or really just in an effort to see/believe the best in people and help them see it in themselves. Now that list is very very very very short. Did I mention very short? Very. I've decided that it's not my job anymore, a self-appointed task mind you, to try to help other people be better versions of themselves. I can't make that happen. Especially when they don't want it. I can only do that for myself. But I do point out to folks when they're being rude disrespectful assholes. A simple"you're being an asshole" works well in certain cases. But sometimes shutting them out and walking away is the best choice. It has a way of saying "you sorry piece of shit" that words just don't express clearly enough. Even a solid "fuck you" is often just met with "surely you're joking", especially when you're normally a very nice and tolerant person, and then you have to go through the long explanation of just how *not* joking you are, and really, my breath, thoughts, and manual dexterity are clearly more valuable.

I'm the type of person who is constantly (ad nauseum even) evaluating and assessing the person I am and want to be, and many times it's a rocky road to tread, leading to indecision and frustration and often chocolate. Sometimes it takes me a while to see the err of my ways, even with the verbal beatings about the head from my friends, but eventually I see where I'm making stupid mistakes and correct them (reference the gaming and the bullshit here). I'm usually a lot quicker than I can even comprehend. Cause I'm smart and junk. Except when I'm not.

And part of me doesn't want other people to know what goes on in my head. My brain spins so fast that I can't even express, much less type, all the other things I've been pondering in the last 30 minutes. But this is *my* blog and I can say whatever I want (it's my party too, so neener). Part of the last few weeks has been spent in self protection mode, only talking to my closest friends, family, and any other people I'm forced to interact with through my job or the places I frequent. It has served me well and helped me heal and develop thicker skin and a more logical attitude, but I can't stay there forever. If I get too comfortable, I might never want to come out again.

So I carry on. I consider all the things I want to do. I make a plan and go accomplish those things. I live and breathe and function as a (hopefully) better person. I keep learning from my mistakes, making adjustments and new decisions, then rebounding from them. I deal with the issues that make me want to hide in dark places or just leave this world entirely. (Don't call me all freaked out, ya'll know I'm way too fucking feisty to be a statistic.)

And now, maybe I'll also open up. Really open up. Cause I have a lot to say that never gets said. And I have a place to put all those things. And I'm tough enough to deal with anyone who gives me shit about it. (That includes you, Ethridge.)

Thus concludes this session of verbal diarrhoea. Oh, my cell number has changed. Should my services be required, send your mail to the addy on my profile.

You may go now.

zen

It's nice to be blogging again. Even having the thought of 'hmm, that would be fun to share' is refreshing.

During my little break I did a lot of things. For starters, I mostly got my food intake back on track. One of the major things we missed about Athens is the variety of food available, and during those first few weeks we made sure to hit every taco/thai/cuban/indian/ice cream joint we had been jonesing for. Now I'm not eating out nearly as much, and I'm making better choices when I do splurge.

This is my 'back to normal' breakfast. Y.U.M. Fat free cottage cheese, organic strawberries, raspberries and blueberries, and some low fat granola. Mmmmmm. Also makes a good snack. Or dessert. I could eat this multiple times daily.



(On a side note, I'm kinda weird in that I don't really care for matching dishes, so this is the only bowl that i have in this pattern. It makes me very happy in a deep down tingly sort of way. Most of my dishes are asian themed and all but this one have blue in them somewhere. I'm a nut, and I'm ok with that.)

I've been knitting also, obviously. I finished Shedir #2 yesterday. I love this hat so much. And the yarn, Elsbeth Lavold's Silky Wool, is a total joy to work with. In fact, I have a skein of it in black, so I may cast on another one and give this one as a gift. I'll have to think about who it might fit though. I have a tiny head, and very fine hair. On someone else it may look like a beanie. Eww.



As a house warming gift, my mom gave me a small rosemary bush and a pot of African violets. I guess she figured I'd find a way to make them grow. She probably didn't count on the cats eating them first. The second day I had the plants, I took them outside because for my kitties, violets are a delicacy and rosemary is very close to catnip.

Simply having something to grow and a porch to put pretty green things on made me run out to find seeds and cutie little pots. I got two kinds of basil (sweet on the left, and lemon on the right) and I'm going to have to divide and replant both of those very soon. I had no idea how fast they would grow, and from what I've seen at the grocery store, they get MUCH bigger.



I also got cilantro and repotted the rosemary. I'm thinking these will need bigger pots too eventually.



The cats devoured the first set of violets while I wasn't looking, but luckily they seem to like the outdoors (maybe not the hundred degree heat so much) and have found new life. I have about four little stalks of buds like this one.



So precious and promising (and purple! yay purple!). Also, I can make things grow! And sort of come back from the dead! I'm totally a genius.

Last but most certainly not least, I've been taking a few steps toward a new career (to be revealed later), and I'm considering applying to grad school. I have much to read about, learn, and muddle over. I love researching and immersing myself in something I really care about, and it's going to be hard, yet fun.

Just how I like it.

god save the queen

I've officially retained my title as the Queen of ADR (that's additional dialogue recording, for you non film geeks), as given by E, and proven once again this Saturday as we wrapped up some voice work in his basement for a few scenes from wowgirl where audio magically disappeared, got distorted or just plain sucked. (More on the movie as I have some time this week to write. Ha. Whenever that is.)

I totally rock at being able to recreate cadence, intonation and speed of my lines from when they were filmed, and recording them back to match my lip movement on screen so they sound crystal clear and sometimes better enunciated. I usually get it in one take. (Hence my royalty status.) Which leaves lots of time for karaoke, goofing off and the requisite "aaaaaannnnndddd ttttthhhhhheeeeeeennnnnn?". I also got to do a little acting direction with Nate, i.e. "say it like... less depressy and more reflectivish". Yup, I are a good acting coach.

E said, as we were doing some of the final scenes, that he didn't really like how my character got treated at the end. Short changed even. Not exactly as dynamic as she should have been written. Though we can't exactly go reshoot any of it, maybe we altered the perception of her with different vocalizations. Which is very exciting to me. She was a lot of fun to play, but I had similar feelings while we were shooting.

Doing the ADR work really makes me miss acting. It's such a great outlet for me, and requires so much of my heart, yet makes me feel so alive and energized. Heartbreaking, soul destroying emotional vomiting. And I usually giggle through the tears when I'm done. Or say something like "good god that hurt. wanna do it again?".

Our local theater has already cast the next play, with Karen as the evil Antonia in a musical version of The Tempest. So maybe I'll audition for whatever is next.

And I'm out of energy. Spinning** is my abusive lover, and she has taught me the meaning of pain this week. She's also reminded me of my competitive side, and with instructors who make each class like a real road race, I'm so totally addicted. I must sleep so I can face her again at 5 a.m.


that. is. all.



** this kind of spinning, not this kind.

it's the end of the world as we know it

...and i feel awesome.

shiny happy. orange crushy. hairshirt-esque.

i am the everything.

and i’ve probably been listening to too much rem.

and afi (miss murder is my new fav song), evanescence (amy lee knows just how to crush my soul, and i let her willingly), dixie chicks (i’m not ready to make nice either!), and system of a down (totally in love, again). semi-schizophrenic musical choices, and that’s how I like it.

sadly my office is hung up on some radio station that shall not be named. if i have to hear ‘stairway’ or ‘layla’ one more time (really, three times a day is more than enough), i might choke the next person who walks past me singing either song in absolute mockery of my suffering. that specific coworker (who also shall not be named, but let’s call him "j" just for fun) might be significantly taller and denser than myself, but i think if properly motivated i could manage a good few seconds of airway blockage via my hands around his neck before he casts me off like the wild little animal i will have become under such duress. ahem.

otherwise, things are steady as she goes, lovely, and perfect. i’ve spent the last few weeks working out, hanging out, reading, knitting, and making a few personal decisions and changes. i’ve lost interest in some things and gained newfound love for others. i forced myself to step away from some activities that were sucking the life from me, and frankly, i like the new direction i’ve chosen. i may have a friend or two who disagrees with the changes, but it’s hardly their choice to make, and if they can’t support my efforts to do what’s right for me, they can’t really call themselves my friend. miserable hating-my-life me would have been devastated and willing to do anything to keep said friendship. more normal, happier and balanced me says ‘how sad for you guys...see ya around’.

what a difference a change of perspective makes.

oh. knitting stuff. yeah.

i finished the honeymoon cami. better pictures soon and notes on the changes i made. i ventured into uncharted territory and did a rework on the back to make it a halter instead of a tank. it required math and logic (dear gods) but worked quite nicely.



also working on the so-called scarf when life gets dullish.




and the shedir hat. i'm so slow on this one, but i really have to be in the right mental place for these rounds of cables. (irritated is not one of those places. i'm just sayin.)




and swatching bits of my stash like a mad person for jemima and sizzle.

jemima is getting the debbie bliss cotton angora for certain (yum). teal for the main color, and light blue for the accent parts and button bands.




the verdict on yarn for sizzle is still out. i have a lot of gorgeous yarns that might work, so plenty of excellent potential. there's just the tiny issue of gauge. as ever. i've swatched some knitpicks shine, elann's lara (discontinued i think, but i'm definitely not getting gauge so it's irrelevant), and southwest trading company's Bamboo.




i want the sizzle top to be kind of shiny so i *really* want to use the bamboo, which still looks gorgeous after swatching and washing. well then...i guess i've decided haven't i? despite my misgivings and ignoring all instinct about this yarn (it's slightly scratchy and my stitches look odd to me for some reason), i'm casting on. and there's nothing you can do to stop me. so there.

god i'm stubborn.